


invisible string

by baetokkis



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Light Angst, actress joohyun, is it fake dating if they're actually fake exes, photographer seulgi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:07:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 37,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25949332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baetokkis/pseuds/baetokkis
Summary: Joohyun admits – it’s not the best idea. She can think at least ten ways this plan can go wrong, but for now, she needs the exposure to draw attention to her next movie, so when the media share pictures of her making amends with an ex-girlfriend, Joohyun doesn’t hesitate to take the leap.Except Kang Seulgi isn't actually her ex. She might not even like girls. Somehow, they make it work.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 28
Kudos: 188





	1. ghosts

**Author's Note:**

> sooo i came back with another story :) i know i have an ongoing fic rn, but translating the chapters and making the adjustments i need to do is easier than writing the story itself, so that's why i decided to post this one too. fic title obviously from invisible string by taylor swift.
> 
> the fake exes idea came to me while i was reading some prompts on tumblr and right after i finished reading the book "something to talk about". hope you all enjoy it <3

At the age of 27, there are only a few things Bae Joohyun is sure of. 

She knows for a fact that she’s a self-sufficient woman. Not in an egocentric, selfish way, but in a sense that she likes to believe she’s conscious of her value, proud of the person she’d become despite everything that happened over the last years. She is aware of the role of her experiences in shaping the person she is today.

On the other hand, Joohyun is also sure said experiences didn’t quite shape the best version of herself.

But now – now there’s no way around it. Recent events tell Joohyun that there’s no way things will go back to the way it was before – back when things were simple and easy and being in love was the only thing Joohyun cared about. It’s done now.

Maybe it could have. Maybe, back then, Joohyun could’ve prevented it from blowing out of proportion, could’ve controlled it. Maybe she could’ve done more, done better.

Maybe. Her life had been reduced from certain success to  _maybes._

“Again, Joohyun?”

The voice breaks through her train of thought and she blinks, bringing the coffee shop back into focus instead of only the small screen of her phone. Upon seeing Sooyoung take the seat in front of her, Joohyun shies her vision away and pretends to be interested in the drink she just ordered.

“You know this isn’t healthy,” Sooyoung says monotonously like she has said it a billion times before, forehead crinkled in worry.

(She has, actually. Joohyun is just too stubborn to listen.)

Joohyun stares at her best friend with eyes that plead for understanding. Sooyoung doesn’t let her explain, too used to handling this on her own way, and pries away the phone out of Joohyun’s hands before she can try to say anything. 

Sooyoung clears her throat dramatically, squints her eyes before reading today’s Entertainment section headline: “Bae Joohyun back in the spotlight for Kwon Boa’s upcoming production.” 

Joohyun sighs, head hung low.

Sooyoung glances up, waits for a sign against it before continuing to read, “The recent casting rumors of highly anticipated LGBT drama sparks controversy towards the  _Two of a Kind_ star comeback to the industry, making –”

“This was a bad idea,” Joohyun interrupts abruptly, grabbing the phone back to prevent her friend from reading the rest of the article. “How do they already know about that? I haven’t even said yes yet, I didn’t –”

She closes her hand into a fist, draws in a breath to stop talking. It was a  _stupid_ idea. She was stupid to think she could simply go back into acting like there wasn’t a real reason for her to quit in the first place.

“Joohyun,” Sooyoung softly says. She puts her hand above Joohyun’s on the table, caress its back gently until its palm is open again. “Drink your coffee.”

Joohyun does what she’s told. She takes the mug resting on the table and takes a sip. Releasing a heavy sigh, she looks back at Sooyoung, sure she has probably a speech ready.

“Look, I’m not going to say I wasn’t expecting the media to be so brutal about it. It’s nothing new, nothing we weren’t preparing for, so you need to relax, because we are already dealing with it,” Sooyoung points out. “Seungwan’s birthday party is going to help you unwind a bit, trust me.”

Joohyun lets out a heavy sigh before almost dropping the mug back to where it was.

“You’re right. I mean, how bad can it be, really? It’s not like I tore my career to shreds a few years back or anything,” she jokes with an exaggerated shrug.

Instead of going for another motivation speech like Joohyun expects, Sooyoung laughs, seeming much more relaxed than she should.

“Come on, Hyun, which celebrity has never had a scandal in their career? Or a few.” She arches an eyebrow, waiting for Joohyun to prompt in with an answer she knows she doesn't have. “Exactly. That’s my point.”

Joohyun rolls her eyes good-naturedly as Sooyoung goes on.

“As your manager, what I can say to you is that I’ll do my best to control this and deal with it so your return goes smoothly like you deserve.”

“And as my friend?”

Sooyoung's eye softens and she lets out a smile. “As your friend, I need to reassure you that you’re already doing the best you can and that you’re allowed to heal. It’s been  _ages_ and you still carry this weight on your shoulders like you’re still the same person from years ago. You’re not. You’ve changed, and it’s time people know it too.”

Her heart sinks a bit, frozen in place. There’s a pain in her chest. It’s a kind of pain that never really goes away — that’s always there, like the slight buzz of the air conditioner that’s only noticeable when it’s quiet, but remains there even when it’s not.

Part of Joohyun knows she’s right. But she’s so scared of what it can mean.

_Courage._ That had always been the issue.

  
  


.

  
  


Seungwan’s new apartment was just as impressive as Joohyun expected it to be. She was a top actress after all, and just recently began exploring different areas of the industry, so Joohyun isn’t surprised to enter her unit to see many familiar faces walking around.

She’d met Seungwan a few years ago and up until now, she was one of the few constants in Joohyun’s life. She doubts she’d be able to have gone through everything if Seungwan wasn’t there.

“Joohyun!” Seungwan says as soon as she steps into the living room, grinning widely as she makes her way towards her friend. She envelopes Joohyun in a big, suffocating hug that leaves the brunette no choice but to hug back and ignore how her air supply is being cut short. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

Joohyun giggles nervously – the kind of laugh people make when crying for help on the inside.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she weakly replies, taking a breath before breaking the hug. Joohyun hands Seungwan her gift, a nervous smile adorning her lips. “Happy birthday, Seungwan-ah.”

“Thank you,” the celebrant says, still smiling excitedly as she takes the gift to a table in the corner of the living room which is full of other well-wrapped presents. Joohyun follows her diligently, slightly out of place. “I promise I’ll come back in a few minutes, but is it okay if I went over there for a while?”

Joohyun looks over to where Seungwan is pointing at, a group of people that just arrived as well that she recognizes but only superficially, not hesitating for a second before nodding. “No, of course! It’s your party, don’t worry about me. Sooyoung texted and said she’s arriving with Yerim in a little while.”

Seungwan beams, squeezes Joohyun’s fingers between hers. “It’s only a minute.” 

And then she’s gone. Joohyun feels uneasy instantly.

In all honesty, Joohyun thinks parties lost their luster. The last one she’d attended was ages ago, though the memories are fresh like it happened yesterday. Back when she was still an upcoming actress and the thrill of being seen and photographed was basically all she cared about, she’d practically jump from one party to the next.

Joohyun is too old for this now, too worn out from all the exposure, but birthday parties hardly oppose as a sort of  _threat_ and barely reminisces the kind of party she usually went to – although the quality of the alcohol served is the same, so she nurses a glass of wine while she waits for her friend. 

Sooyoung is the social one between the two. She fits in easily wherever she goes and though she does her best to draw Joohyun into the mix, it’s not really her scene anymore. 

The interest others show in her usually fade when they notice Joohyun isn’t going to talk about the past and the conversation falls flat, leaving her with no choice but to slide away and hide in the sidelines, where her lonesome company does more for her than entertaining conversations with pretend interest. And so she does it again, even without Sooyoung. It became a reflex.

This time, however, the weak deflection doesn’t last long. 

A body bumps into her and pulls Joohyun out of her reverie by force. She reaches out just in time to catch them before stumbling down while somehow managing not to spill her drink all over them. 

“Oh gosh, I’m so sorry!” A familiar face beams up into hers and Joohyun feels the earth shift on its axis. 

Her breath hitches, her arms fall numbly by the sides of her body. 

There’s a world in the light caramel eyes that flutter and stare at her, blink a few times more as if adjusting to the sight, and Joohyun has to take a step back not to lose herself. For some unknown reason, she’s sure she’s seen those eyes before.

“Joohyun!” The woman says in awe, and her tone sounds a lot more like greeting an old friend than an idol. Joohyun doubts that’s the case, she’s sure she would’ve remembered meeting someone like her despite the glaring familiarity she feels. She smiles gently, a polite kind of smile she’s used to giving to strangers, and the woman seems to recognize her slip. “Miss Bae, I mean. Sorry.”

She grins, broad and genuine, and it’s in those few seconds that Joohyun has a chance to take her in. Long hair. Blonde strands that are more platinum than golden and fall into waves above her shoulders. She’s draped in a button-up shirt that’s far too big but she manages to pull it off perfectly, with a sleeve dangling on her arm that exposes her collarbone and shoulder, tucked inside a pair of high-waist leather pants.

She looks stunning.

“Do I know you?” Joohyun asks. Only seeming to notice it now, she lets go of the arm she’s been holding and straightens up.

“Oh, no,” the stranger vehemently shakes her head. “I mean, yes, but no. I’m sorry.”

Joohyun frowns, ready to walk away, but something stops her. And she’s not sure if it’s because she can see the truth shining in those gleaming eyes, or because she perceives a restraint in the woman’s actions that people don’t usually have with her. Regardless, she stays.

There’s something about her, something Joohyun can’t quite put her finger on and her palms itch a little. To  _not know_ something is what bothers Joohyun the most.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” The woman is speaking again, giving Joohyun a full sweeping look.

Joohyun shakes her head because the music has changed and it’s louder. She doesn’t feel like straining her throat to speak but this stranger doesn’t have a problem with projecting. And when she speaks again, it’s loud and clear like her lungs are bullhorns.

“Anyways, I’m Seulgi.” She cringes at the volume of her own voice, sheepishly holding out a hand and beaming far too wide to be considered normal. But Joohyun should know better than to assume this woman was _normal_ considering she didn’t seem the least bothered by keeping her company.

And then it hits her. Joohyun can almost feel the camera flashes from years ago, the yelling, the anger that rose up her stomach.

“You’re Kang Seulgi,” Joohyun points out in a wisp of a voice

In front of her, somewhat affable bright eyes stare back at her with a disarmingly innocent expression.

“Yeah, that’s me.” Seulgi giggles. “Hi, Joohyun. It’s been a while.”

  
  


(...)

  
  


Before her life became a downward spiral, Joohyun felt like she had everything.

Or so, that’s what she’d always tell herself.

Turning 21, Joohyun stood before thousands of people, a sea of cameras glowing back at her like starlights in the night sky.

She stored the moment safely in a tiny box inside her heart, the one where she kept her most precious memories. The image, the sound, the  _feeling,_ was still in her mind as she waved goodbye and left the venue and it made her knees quiver as she walked toward the van to head to the afterparty.

That night, she had won three of the four awards she was nominated for.

Her career was at its peak. She was on top – the spot she wanted to be on ever since she was that little kid who would often pretend to know how to act in front of the mirror. Her life simply could not get any better.

Then, when she took another step to the van, Joohyun saw her and her lips instantly curled into a smile without permission once the woman started to walk in her direction. 

See, her life simply could not get any better. But every time she looked at Tiffany, Joohyun felt it could.

“Joohyun,” Tiffany called out, and confused at her girlfriend’s distraught voice, Joohyun froze. There was an unusual anxiousness in her voice, a weight Joohyun wasn’t used to hearing. 

“Is everything okay?” 

“We need to talk,” came Tiffany’s answer. Sharp and resolute.

“What is it? What happened?” Joohyun asked, stretching out a hand to touch her girlfriend’s arm, but Tiffany pulled away quickly.

“I think we need to break up. This is not going anywhere, you know that.”

Joohyun’s stomach dropped and her vision was blurry. She had to lean onto the car window not to fall. 

The parking lot was empty, quiet with a broken beat in the background that she slowly realized was her heart. Weak, unsteady.

“I can’t do this anymore – I can’t go on with this relationship,” she went on, not bothering to help Joohyun stand up correctly as she took a step back. “I’m sorry. It’s over.”

Her eyes were stinging, her throat was dry. But all Joohyun could think about was how her world had just split in half while she watched her now ex-girlfriend turn around and walk away. As she walked away and never looked back.

  
  


-

  
  


“You’re late! We thought you weren’t coming anymore.” 

Joohyun looked up from the drink in her hand, meeting Sooyoung’s carefree expression with her still stinging eyes. Her hands were shaky and she struggled not to spill her vodka on the floor, but she offered her best smile.

Her friend’s joyous look dropped the second Sooyoung actually saw her face.

“Hey, you okay?” she asked, a hesitating hand hovering her elbow to offer support. 

“Yeah, it’s just…” Joohyun tried to say, the words falling flat and weak against her ears. She looked to her right side and there was Tiffany, smiling brightly and free while she leaned in Kim Taeyeon’s direction like nothing happened at all. “It’s, um, it’s over.”

The information hung heavily in the air, and Joohyun pressed her lips together, shoulders taut beneath her shirt as she watched realization hit Sooyoung.

“Oh,” Sooyoung breathed out, blinking surprised as her hand dropped by her side. “Are you—are you okay?” 

Joohyun rolled her eyes. “I’m  _ecstatic,_ thanks.”

She pretended not to notice the look of hurt that flashed through Sooyoung’s eyes, and drank the vodka in one gulp, already slightly lightheaded from the previous drinks she had.

Her eyes fell on Tiffany one more time without permission, only to find her looking back with a pitiful gaze. Joohyun wanted to throw up – in span of minutes, she didn’t recognize the woman she dated for the last two years anymore.

But then Taeyeon offered her hand to pull Tiffany out of there, which she didn’t hesitate to grasp for a second, and the moment ended. Joohyun felt something inside of her break – like a hole burning inside her chest, and it didn’t take long for her to realize what that closeness between the two of them meant.

Of course Tiffany was leaving her for Taeyeon. It was pathetic, actually, how she did not see this coming. 

Taeyeon was always there lately, and though it was expected for her to be around considering she was a music supervisor in Joohyun’s latest movie and, most importantly, a  _friend,_ she should’ve suspected something else was going on.

As she watched Tiffany walk away once again, she decided she had enough. 

Navigating between a sea of sweaty bodies when your heart is racing in your chest and anger is slowly making its way to your head wasn't easy but, somehow, she made it. 

Joohyun stood in the parking lot for a few minutes, struggling to keep her surroundings from closing in around her. Her stomach churned and she felt queasy, weak, with a thumping fast and rough inside her rib cage. Until the sound of footsteps pulled her out of her distraught.

A woman with dark curly hair came after her from the club’s backdoor and although her vision was barely 20/20 anymore, Joohyun could still see that the woman seemed concerned. 

“Oh God, are you okay?” she asked, stepping much too close to Joohyun's personal space. Joohyun retracted her hand hastily, holding it close to her chest as her eyes rose up to meet the stranger’s. “I saw you leaving and you didn’t seem fine. Can I do anything?”

Joohyun scoffed. “You can go away.”

Her eyebrows drew together in concern and there was no sign she would leave anytime soon. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” the woman said. “Just let me –”

“No,” Joohyun protested, though it was noticeably weak. “I can handle it. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” The taller woman took another step closer, her hand reaching out towards Joohyun. But Joohyun flinched away quickly, so she simply withdrew her hand, letting it rest over her stomach instead. “I know this might feel overwhelming –”

“You have no fucking right to tell me how I feel!” Joohyun snapped and, in the blink of an eye, she had a finger pressed on the woman’s chest as she stood way too close, making her stumble backwards. The brunette’s back hit one of the cars in the parking lot and she took in a breath, frazzled, as Joohyun continued to corner her.

Suddenly coming back to her senses and stepping back, Joohyun blinked surprised as she tried to recollect herself, but her eyes didn’t focus. She drew in a ragged breath, tried to sober up, but it was useless. 

Instead of shying away, the brunette smiled a smile so empathetic Joohyun wanted to scream again. She tried to ignore the sudden uncomfortable rage she felt inside. 

“I’m just trying to help,” the stranger softly said, tone dripping with worry.

Joohyun groaned. She doesn’t care. She doesn’t  _care._

“I didn’t ask for you help!” she yelled. “Just leave me the fuck alone.”

Joohyun could feel her heart beating fast again to the point it hurt. It all hurt so damn much. 

Her eyes were still unfocused and she felt woozy, bile rising up her throat.

She shoved her hand away from the woman’s hands and walked out as fast as she could. 

The last thing Joohyun remembered was the flash of a camera.

  
  


(...)

  
  


“No way,” Joohyun mutters in shock, her brain refusing to believe what was actually happening. It was mortifying, to say the least, meeting her again after all this time.

But the woman, who is now blonde, – Kang Seulgi, as Joohyun remembers reading the name over and over on thousands of gossip websites for months after her episode, as a few named it – seemed genuinely happy to see her again, and she broke into a small smile once she noticed Joohyun recognized her.

“It's really been a while,” Seulgi repeats as if admired. “You haven’t changed much. You look just like I remember you.”

Joohyun does her best not to scoff, but her mouth has a mind of its own.

“Like I’m about to snap at you at any moment?”

Seulgi shakes her head and adds, “You’re still just as gorgeous. Like, jaw-dropping gorgeous.”

Despite the flirty words, her tone is innocent and gentle, like she just blurted it out without giving a second thought to how her compliment could come across as.

A praise. Joohyun just received a  _praise._

She’s not used to getting these anymore.

“I bet some jaws definitely dropped more than once for the last six years with all the fucked-up things I’ve done.”

Seulgi doesn’t answer, but the smile is still there. She seems considerate as her head tilts to the side, eyeing Joohyun carefully.

“Are you always that self-deprecating?” she finally asks, no bite to it.

Joohyun nods, a proud smile gracing her lips. “It’s my super-power.”

She expects Seulgi to cringe, to roll her eyes or walk away like nothing happened. Instead Seulgi  _giggles,_ an honest giggle that leaves Joohyun disarmed. 

Her laugh dies down after a few seconds, until there’s only the sound of the background music fading into a slower song. 

“It feels weird seeing you for the first time after…” Joohyun waves her hand in the air, looking for the right word. “Everything.”

“You mean it’s weird to see me while you’re sober?” Seulgi attempts to joke, prompting out a weak smile and a nod from Joohyun.

“And while I’m not a mess,” she says. “Not entirely, at least. I’m so sorry for everything.”

Joohyun knows it must’ve been hard – journalists wouldn’t leave her alone for months after it happened, and she’s aware some of them followed Seulgi too. Joohyun thinks about how much exposure Seulgi must’ve gotten since her name appeared in multiple websites back then. A few pictures, too. It didn’t he l p that Seulgi was Im Yoona’s little sister, Joohyun’s co-star at the time, it only made it easier for people to assume things or pry.

“It’s really fine, don’t worry. It’s all in the past,” Seulgi guarantees. “You know, growing up with a famous sister made me get used to getting a few headlines of my own.”

Joohyun’s interest piques at her words. “You never thought about following in her footsteps?”

Seulgi’s eyebrows rise and she widens her eyes in shock, pointing at her own chest with a finger. “Me? Acting?” And then she laughs, too loud and obviously forced. “No, I’m really not spotlight material.”

“Who’s being self-deprecating now?” Joohyun asks, head tilted to the side as she watches Seulgi blush.

“It’s different.”

“It definitely isn’t.”

Seulgi grimaces, shrugs like it means nothing at all. 

“Then what do you do?” Joohyun asks after a while.

The blonde stops, considering her words before speaking again barely over the music.

“I’m a photographer,” Seulgi shyly admits, though there’s a certain pride hidden in her eyes. “I don’t belong in the spotlight because I make it.”

Joohyun can’t help but grin at the blonde’s antics, and she quirks an eyebrow like she means every word as she says, “If you ask me, I’m sure you fit perfectly in front of the camera instead of just behind it.”

(Because she does.)

Seulgi’s lips stretch in a blinding smile, her cheeks slightly pink as she shoves Joohyun playfully like they actually  _knew_ each other.

Shortly after, Sooyoung arrives – Joohyun can see her coming in by her peripheral vision. She barely has time to say a proper goodbye before being pulled away by her best friend’s younger cousin, who gives her a big hug while saying how much she missed her.

Joohyun tells her the same, kisses the top of her head gently, and when she looks back, Seulgi is nowhere to be seen.

  
  


.

  
  


Seungwan joins them soon afterwards, with her glass refilled and a satisfied look. They talk about the TV show Seungwan is directing, about Yerim deciding to join the soccer team at university. It’s nice, familiar, and Joohyun feels happy to have such an easy conversation with her friends for once.

It’s only after a few minutes later that Seungwan’s manner changes, after Sooyoung and Yerim left them alone to talk to someone Sooyoung just saw, and she seems to sober up, looks at Joohyun with an expression on her face she can’t quite understand. 

“So…” she drags the word, painfully hesitant. “Kwon Boa?” 

“What about her?”

Seungwan quirks up an eyebrow. “Is it true? The rumor about you being the lead actress of her next movie.”

Joohyun exhales loudly. She swirls the glass on her hand, takes a sip but doesn’t say anything just yet. 

It’s a touchy subject – the kind she wouldn’t consider as such before the news leaked, but it is what it is. 

“You shouldn’t believe in everything you read. I told her I was going to consider,” she chooses to say, as vague as she can.

Seungwan seems pensive, rather unsure if Joohyun were to guess. And then her eyes lose its glow, her mood seems to dim. Because Seungwan  _knows_ her, she actually does, and with her there aren’t many words needed.

“You’re going to decline,” it’s all she says, not a hint of doubt in her tone.

Joohyun shrugs, takes another sip before muttering, “Of course I will.”

“You know better than this,” Seungwan tries, still careful with her choice of words, but brutally honest as she always is. “This is the kind of role you wouldn’t walk away from, why are you even hesitating?” 

“You’re right, I do know better. And that’s why I won’t take it.” Joohyun goes off, a slight strain in her voice she’s not used to. “I’m not good enough for this role. You saw the critics yourself.”

“Those are bullshit and you know it.”

Joohyun scoffs. She should’ve known Seungwan would agree with Sooyoung – they both disagree with Joohyun on a daily basis, whether it be about something as trivial as which type of coffee to order, or career changing roles. 

“You don’t really believe that.” Seungwan frowns. “Besides, Joohyun… I’ve read the outline and I know you. You always said to me how you wanted to take part in projects that inspired the LGBT youth, how you wanted to give them the representation you didn’t have back then. This role is so –” she stops, waves a hand in the air while searching for the right word to describe it, but then her hand falls back on the side of her body and she breathes out, giving up. “This role was meant for you.”

And Joohyun can’t help but wonder… is Seungwan right? Sooyoung said the same thing after she received the offer and the basic outline of the character, she even claimed the movie would be bland without her because no one else would be able to capture the essence of the main character as flawlessly as she would.

Adelia Kint is brave and tough and strong-willed. She doesn’t hesitate in crisis situations. Joohyun is almost always scared and tends to shut everyone out when something is going on. Her first instinct became running.

But for someone so fearless, Adelia suffered a lot to accept her sexuality. She wore a mask for years to create this image of a perfectly put-together renowned doctor who could handle anything thrown her away, a mask to protect herself after having her heart broken for the first time so late in life – at twenty-five. And though her first and only heartbreak was at twenty-one, Joohyun can’t help but sense the similarity.

No, she and Adelia have almost nothing in common. Their personalities are the complete opposites. And  _yet..._

She feels something. A sort of connection she can’t quite describe.

“You’re good with pep-talks. You should put this effort on that movie you’re working on,” Joohyun deflects, take another sip on her drink and wonders if there’s something stronger. She feels she might need it.

Seungwan sighs, noticeably disappointed, and Joohyun admits she feels slightly guilty for it. But she doesn’t want to talk about it. She’s not ready yet. She doubts she will in time.

  
  


.

  
  


The thing about Seungwan is that she doesn’t insist, she never does. She presents her point of view, most of the times in a dramatic, over-the-top way, and then, when it’s obvious there’s no change, she makes her exit. 

And so she does exactly that, leaving Joohyun in the corner of the living room with her own loud thoughts as if punishment. If making Joohyun overthink was her goal, Seungwan was more than successful.

Still, Joohyun tries not to dwell on it. She’s good with that – avoiding things is basically her most prominent personality trait.

“Here,” a voice calls out by her side and Joohyun looks up to find the same caramel eyes from before, the corners crinkled in a smile. Seulgi offers one of the glasses in her hand, the one with a soft amber color, and Joohyun doesn’t hesitate to take it. 

“If this is your way of telling me that I look like I desperately need a drink –”

“No, that’s not –”

“You’re absolutely right,” Joohyun concludes with a hint of a laugh. She drinks most of the whiskey in one gulp, trying her best not to make a face with the strong taste – she hadn’t had whiskey in _years._

Seulgi’s shoulders slump down, but not in a negative way, more like she was relaxing.

“That bad, huh?” she asks in a gentle voice. “Seungwan used to be quite harsh at me when I worked with her once, so I recognized the look on her face.”

“You were watching me?” Joohyun asks and Seulgi's eyes widen.

“No, I –” she stutters out, nervously, but upon noticing the gleam in Joohyun’s face, she stops. A smile creeps up on the corners of her mouth.

Silence falls upon them once more with only the low chattering surrounding them, no music playing anymore.

“Seulgi?” Joohyun calls out, breaking the momentary quietness they share. Seulgi’s hum wills her to continue. “This will sound strange, but I need an impartial opinion.”

The blonde frowns, but nods.

“Sure, anything.”

“If you had the chance to do something you’ve always wanted, even though you may have moved on from it and now the thought scares you a bit, would you still do it?”

It’s vague, she knows, the most unclear way she can put it, and as soon as she finishes it, Joohyun thinks she can almost see the wheels turning inside Seulgi’s mind.

“I think…” Seulgi starts, unsure of how to go on. She seems a bit tipsy, kind of fuzzy, or maybe Joohyun is. She’s not certain. “I think that if it scares you, it means you haven’t moved on yet.”

Joohyun hums, deep in thought.

“Besides,” Seulgi adds. “What fun would it be if we only did what we’re comfortable with?”

“It would be safe,” Joohyun offers lamely. The other woman arches an eyebrow, as if indulging her to say more, and so Joohyun does, “But, well, me of all people should know better. Life isn’t about steady choices.”

The party is in full swing and the music is back, but Seulgi still has an unreadable expression that quickly shift to an adorable eyesmile, a silence agreement, like she’s proud of Joohyun for coming into that conclusion.

They’re not friends, Joohyun knows that. But there’s a spark.

  
  


.

  
  


The script in her hands seem heavy of a sudden, as if Joohyun is lifting weight and not a few sheets of paper. It’s not her first time reading it, but there’s something different this time, like the role became more appealing after her conversation with Seungwan and after Seulgi’s subtle support.

The connection suddenly feels deeper and she hates how she can’t tell if it’s because it’s February and she’s extra sensitive during this time of the year, or if Seungwan was actually right about how this role was meant for her. 

Joohyun had also been in love before, and she had her heart shattered into pieces because of it, too. 

Like Adelia Kint, she’d fallen for someone, and at that time, it felt like she’d gotten everything she had ever wanted.

And just like Adelia Kint, her life became a mess after it.

With a sigh, Joohyun closes the script and throws it somewhere in her bed, deciding she definitely won’t take the role. It hits a little too close to home. She doesn’t want to think about before, doesn’t want to dwell on it, and  _yet…_ her mind goes back to six years ago.

She thinks of Tiffany, of how they met, of how they came to be.

Joohyun remembers thinking no one had intrigued her as much as she did.

Tiffany was funny, energetic, bold. She felt comfortable in her own skin, with her sexuality, and Joohyun felt lucky to have someone like her by her side while she was discovering herself – specially a rising star like her. 

She took care of every need Joohyun had, pampered her. Anything she wanted, Tiffany would give her.

But slowly, cracks were visible through that loving façade. Joohyun didn’t think about them until after Tiffany dumped her, but she was too needy, too demanding. She didn’t respect Joohyun’s independence or talent. She often said Joohyun didn’t love her enough, that she felt Joohyun cared more about her job than about their relationship. 

And then Taeyeon came, and she quickly became the new trophy Tiffany had to conquer.

In hindsight, she shouldn’t have been surprised. The signs were there, and she ignored too many of them, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

Sometimes, only sometimes even after all these years, Joohyun dreams. They aren't exactly  _good_ dreams. In most of them, there is Tiffany. She's lively, she's laughing – until the image fades and all Joohyun can see is how her eyes filled with rage whenever she complained about something Joohyun did. 

Sometimes, she dreams of life back in Daegu, an average job, an average house, with Tiffany to come home to at night and fears creeps beneath her skin.

She dreams about looking up, someone standing over her. Tiffany, eyes warm and kind and honest. Tiffany, with a pretend smile while her fingernails bruised Joohyun’s wrist as she dragged her along the red carpet. Tiffany, lit from above, like a saint, an angel, her own personal little devil.

She dreams about Tiffany and she wakes up sweating.

Joohyun hadn't set out to be a liar but, like everything else, she is pretty good at it. Though she wonders from time to time if it’s considered as lying if she’s essentially hiding it away, living her life like it hadn’t only begun until a couple years ago.

The thought never lingers for long, but it’s as persistent as effective, and she also wonders if she deserves it – to be haunted by ghosts from the past. 

  
  


**.**

  
  


“What was so urgent that you asked me to come here in the middle of the night?” 

Those are Sooyoung’s first words once she arrives at Joohyun’s apartment. She doesn’t bother with formalities, they’re way past that, but the way she says it makes the information sink deeper in Joohyun's stomach, like the thought wasn’t real until Sooyoung made it be.

The question echoes through the walls for a few seconds and Joohyun hesitates, turns her back to Sooyoung and waits for her friend to follow her until she’s on the kitchen and her coffee is on the kitchen countertop between them.

Joohyun places the script in front of Sooyoung, runs her fingertips on the front page before retracting her hand as if it had burnt.

“I changed my mind.”

“You did? Are you sure?” 

It’s a loaded question but isn’t something unexpected from Sooyoung. Her manager looks after her, trusts her to do the right thing and never pushes. But more importantly, Sooyoung counts on her as a friend. Sometimes, that’s scarier.

Joohyun can only nod, not trusting her voice to say anything without cracking.

“I’m proud of you,” Sooyoung says.

“I’m nervous,” Joohyun breathes out, lowly, and Sooyoung lays a hand on her shoulder as support.

“It’s going to be a disaster at first,” she answers and then she squeezes a little tighter. “But if it’s any consolation, you’ve been through worse stuff.”

Joohyun smiles, silently glad for the reassurance. 

“Somehow, your words are strangely comforting.”

Sooyoung was one of the only people who didn’t run away after her public breakdown.

After it, when people heard her name, the expectations are unbelievable low. People acted careful around her like she might snap at any moment.

She still doesn’t want the expectations that comes with her name but she has long made peace with the fact that this is going to be her life forever.

So she learned about the next best thing and that is to surround herself with people who see past the name; people who see really see Joohyun.

Sooyoung is one of those people and for that she’s more than thankful.

She doesn’t need many words, doesn’t have to do much, but what she does is more than enough – the meaning behind the words mean a whole lot more. Because Sooyoung is here, and sometimes, all a person needs is someone who’s  _here._

  
  


.

  
  


A phone call disrupts the silence in Joohyun’s car while she drives to the location Sooyoung texted her the next day. They’re about to talk to Kwon Boa, discuss the details about the movie and Joohyun had never felt more nervous before – more so because she can see Sooyoung’s name on the screen and can’t help but overthink, wondering if Boa had given up casting her already.

Joohyun takes in a breath, pretends to keep her cool before pressing the  _Accept_ button and connecting the call to the car’s speakers.

“Sooyoung, I’m already on my way, you don’t –”

“Uhm, unnie?” Sooyoung interrupts her in a tone too far high-pitched to be considered normal. “Remember when I said it was going to be a disaster?”

Joohyun frowns. The conversation from last night was still pretty clear in her memory, but she has no idea why would Sooyoung bring it up now, most of all when they don’t have anything sorted out yet. “Yes, I remember.”

“I know you deleted all of your social media because you didn’t want to see this kind of stuff, which I agree it was the best decision you could make, but you’ve got to see this,” Sooyoung says, so fast Joohyun has a hard time understanding it. She sounds breathless, too, and Joohyun wonders if she’s _running._ “It’s a mess already.”

“I haven’t even talked to Boa yet, how can they –”

“Just check Twitter. You’re free to log in my account.”

Joohyun sighs, but doesn’t complain. She does have Sooyoung’s password, just in case, so she quickly pulls over at the side of the road and logs into Twitter without waiting for further explanation from her friend.

There’s nothing new, actually, Sooyoung’s account is as boring as ever.

“Sooyoung, what is this about?”

“You and Seulgi are trending worldwide.”

If Joohyun hadn’t pulled over, she’s sure the car would’ve gone into a hard, abrupt stop.

“What?” Joohyun stutters, confused as to why would that happen. “Why?”

“Someone took pictures of you two talking on Seungwan’s birthday and now –” Sooyoung groans, not sure how to go on from there. “There’s even an article.”

“An _article?_ ” Joohyun gasps, as she turns back to her phone. This time, she ignores the timeline and opens a new tab to look the trending topics page. True enough, there is a highlighted Tweet with a link to an article at the top of the page.

Turns out, there’s a picture of Joohyun with Seulgi taken from Seungwan’s birthday, from two nights before, but there’s also a picture of her arguing with Seulgi, six years ago. 

It was the moment Joohyun told her she belonged in front of the camera, not behind it, she remembered perfectly. The corners of Seulgi’s lips were quirked up in a smile and she leaned toward Joohyun ever so slightly as she laughed. 

_Bae Joohyun and Kang Seulgi a little too close to be considered friends,_ the headline reads. Joohyun squints her eyes, focuses on the carefully written caps-lock sentence before her eyes land on the much more discreet ending;  _Are they getting back together?_

“What the fuck is that?”

“I told you. A mess,” Sooyoung replies. “Don’t worry, I’ll deal with it. I already called –”

“Did Yoona say anything?” Joohyun interrupts her, and she can almost _hear_ the frown Sooyoung’s making right now. She feels self-conscious of a sudden, for making this the first question she asks after hearing about the news, but she can’t bring herself to care. She already ruined Seulgi’s privacy back then, she doesn’t want to repeat the same mistakes, so she adds, “I know you’re friends with her, so I want to know… did she say anything yet? Did Seulgi see this already?”

There’s a beat of silence until Sooyoung speaks in a low tone.

“I have four missed calls from her.”

Joohyun sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“People are going to jump on her with this,” it’s all she says.

“I know.” 

“This is six years ago all over again.”

“I _know,_ ” Sooyoung repeats. She’s quiet for a moment, probably considering their next move, until she speaks again, “Come here and we’ll deal with it, okay? I’m already making some calls, but I thought you should know.”

“Thank you, Sooyoung.” And she means it. Not just for calling her now, but for taking care of her through everything.

  
  


.

  
  


As soon as Joohyun steps inside the building, she can already feel the stares. It’s nothing she isn’t used to, so she walks ahead with her sunglasses still on and doesn’t dare to stop.

Soon enough, she finds Sooyoung at the end of a hall and she’s quick to walk toward her manager, until she notices she’s not alone. There’s someone else at her side, a short-haired brunette who has her back to Joohyun’s direction, but one that Joohyun doesn’t need to see her face to know who she is.

“Yoona,” she mutters when she’s close enough, raising her sunglasses to the top of her head.

Yoona turns around, hands in her pockets and a stoic expression adorning her features. Joohyun is not intimidated by her posture, not really, yet she can’t help but take a deep breath.

“Bae,” Yoona says in a serious tone that leaves no room for speculations of how serious this situation is. The way she decides to address Joohyun by her surname doesn’t go unnoticed either.

“I’m sorry, I told her we had everything under control, but I didn’t answer her calls and she just stormed here,” Sooyoung says in a single breath, stumbling over her words.

Joohyun closes her eyes, shudders out a sigh. This is going to be a long day.

“Look, Yoona, I –”

And then Joohyun's words fall flat when someone else enters her line of sight. Long blonde hair swirls over the familiar face as Seulgi walks toward their direction in a fast pace.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Seulgi blurts out, waving a hand between Joohyun and Yoona like there’s something neither Joohyun and Sooyoung know.

Joohyun raises an eyebrow. It’s not entirely her fault this time, but why does she feels like it is?

“It definitely isn’t,” Joohyun bristles. “I think I would’ve remember something as important as a _relationship.”_

Her words sound bitter even though Joohyun tried to conceal her feelings inside, but Seulgi doesn’t seem upset. For some strange reason, neither does Yoona. 

In fact, Seulgi is smiling like her name is not in a dating rumor headline, despite having told Joohyun she doesn’t feel comfortable being exposed like this, and she has this odd bounce on her steps, like she’s excited, and Joohyun suddenly feels dizzy.

“It’s not what it looks like,” Seulgi repeats. “We’re not mad about it. I want to help.” 

So, she lets her hands fall back to the sides of her body then, her defensive posture finally taking a rest as she says, “I’m listening.”

“Hear me out, I’ve got an idea,” Seulgi starts. She clasps her hands together, eyes gleaming as she prepares her words. “Remember the critics about how you weren’t fit for the role of Kwon Boa’s new movie?”

Joohyun rolls her eyes, but nods even so. She doesn’t need to be reminded of those – not when she’s only a few steps away from Boa’s office, not when she’s about to say  _yes_ to a role the media surely doesn’t approve she takes.

“I’ve read some articles and most of them said you’re too edgy for the role. You know, with the scandals, the drinking, the…” and then she freezes, looking at Joohyun with wide eyes. “No offense.”

Joohyun merely waves her off. “None taken. Go on.”

“So my idea is…” Seulgi joins her hands in a silence clap, eyes _shining._ “We go on with it.” 

Joohyun’s eyebrows meet in the middle of her forehead. She looks at Sooyoung, waits for a sign that tells her that her best friend isn’t actually considering to  _accept_ what Joohyun thinks Seulgi is suggesting, but for some reason, the brunette is also smiling.

“We go on with the ex-girlfriends thing. If people see you making amends with someone you’ve hurt in the past, they will see you and understand you’re serious about turning a new leaf,” Seulgi continues, quirking an eyebrow as if it’s the world’s most unique idea.

“What? No.” Joohyun shakes her head. “Hard pass. I’m not dragging you into this _again._ ”

Seulgi's shoulders slump down and her face falls. Still, she looks as determined as ever as she says, “You’re not dragging me. I’m – I’m  _offering._ ” 

Joohyun sighs softly, “Seulgi…”

“Look, Joohyun, I didn’t agree with it at first, but she does have a point. It could help.” Yoona butts in.

“You hate me, why are you even letting her do this?”

“I don’t hate you,” Yoona lets out an exaggerated sigh. “And I know better than to not agree with Seulgi. When she makes her mind about something it’s hard to snap her out of it, so I’m not going to try.”

“It will die down soon, rumors like this always do. Sooyoung?” Joohyun looks over to her best friends, eyes pleading for her to have her back, but Sooyoung seems too far gone.

“I mean, she does have a point,” she says as she moves back and forth in the hall. “Think about it, Hyun. This could help you and Seulgi is offering. It’s brilliant, actually.” Sooyoung suddenly stops, looks at Seulgi with sheer curiosity. “Seulgi, have you ever considered a career in crisis management?”

Joohyun groans. This is  _not_ happening.

She closes her eyes for a second, not opening them for a while, not even when she asks, “How will this help me look less…” a pause. “Less edgy? There must be something else we can do.”

“See, people need visual proof. You can say you want to start fresh all you want, but not everybody is going to believe you,” Seulgi explains. “We’re not going to be fake-dating or anything, so it’s much easier. Just a few photos together, public appearances, something to prove the tabloids you’ve changed.”

“They’ll forget about in a few days, we don’t have to do anything,” Joohyun repeats, but the words hold no meaning even to her own ears.

Joohyun only looks at Sooyoung and weighs her options, but her friend doesn’t say anything. She doubts she will – Sooyoung already seems on board with the idea and there’s no sign she’s stepping back anytime soon.

“Joohyun.” Yoona suddenly calls out, phone in hand as she bites her lip while looking at something on the screen. “You’re probably wrong about how the press will forget about it. They didn’t have any proof, but now –” she hesitates, but hands the phone over to Joohyun. “This seems proof enough.”

Confused, Joohyun takes the phone without questioning, but when the video starts, she bites her lip and draws in a breath.

It’s from six years ago, probably a week after her public argument with Seulgi, when Yoona came over to the set to talk. Except she’s not talking, she’s  _yelling,_ and though most of the things Joohyun says are muffled due the distance of the camera, Yoona’s words are loud and clear as she goes,  _‘You had no right to treat her like that because of a fucking broken heart.’_

“See, you need me,” Seulgi pointedly adds, somewhat proud. 

“Why are you doing this for me? Why are you being so nice?” she asks, trying not to sound overly-defensive, but judging by the expression Seulgi makes, she doubts she was successful.

There’s something strange there, something odd about the sudden offer. But Sooyoung is right – it is a good idea, Joohyun just doesn’t know how to receive it.

For most of her life, she stood in the corner waiting for the next bad thing to happen. She’s not comfortable being  _comfortable_ because bad things will always find a way to ruin whatever happiness she has. But Seulgi is trying to help, she’s trying to make things better, and Joohyun can’t help but  _hesitate._

“I just want to help. You deserve a second chance,” Seulgi says, and it’s so honest Joohyun feels a twitch in her heart.

Joohyun swallows a lump in her throat. She wants to say something, but all that comes out of her mouth is a shaky smile, followed by a whimper. A sign of surrender, and Seulgi’s beam is so bright Joohyun suddenly feels she could go blind.

“I’ll do it.”

Seulgi’s words from the party echo in her ears. ‘ _What fun would it be if we only did what we’re comfortable with?’_

There’s no doubt Seulgi’s plan is, clearly, a disaster waiting to happen. It’s abrupt, unplanned, full of inconsistencies.

And no, they’re not friends, not really. But in that moment, Joohyun believes her.

  
  



	2. scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy !! i know this chapter came fast (i wasn't expecting to post it so soon either, but here we are), but i don't plan to update that soon. i'm still working on some tiny details and i have another ongoing story, so yeah. thank you so much for all the comments and kudos on the first chapter, it really made my day <3
> 
> and i know some things are still confusing, i promise to explain it on further chapters! meanwhile, come find me on twitter and talk to me about this story !! i'm [@tinyrene](https://twitter.com/tinyrene) :) 
> 
> i hope y'all enjoy it!

It's the late afternoon when Joohyun manages to lug herself to Sooyoung's office. It's a tall building, located on the 24th floor somewhere downtown with a minimalist design that still manages to take Joohyun’s breath away even though she’s been there before. To be quite honest, she doubts the feeling will ever go away – not when she feels so, so small whenever she’s there.

“Miss Bae, good morning,” Chaeyeon greets as soon as she steps out of the elevator. Joohyun can hear the edge in her tone, can also see the way her eyes run up and down Joohyun’s body before settling on her face.

The way Chaeyeon was acting in her presence shouldn’t have come to her as a surprise, yet it still does, and Joohyun can’t help but feel self-conscious. The last time she’d been to this building was before she left the city, but even then, she wasn’t the politest. 

Chaeyeon was her previous manager’s newest assistant at the time and, to be fair, Joohyun had too much on her plate to worry about  _ manners  _ with someone who probably wasn’t going to last more than two weeks working for Jessica.

And when Sooyoung told her she was going to fill Jessica’s shoes after she quit, Joohyun didn’t think that meant keeping her assistant too.

Still, she smiles, hoping to convey a silent sorrow through her gesture.

“Good morning, Chaeyeon,” she says. She waits a beat, “Is everything settled?”

It feels odd saying it out loud, but Chaeyeon nods nonetheless. And if she's bothered by the question she knows Joohyun is already certain of the answer, she doesn't show. 

“It is,” she replies. “This way, please.”

They walk in a similar stride, Chaeyeon being a couple of steps ahead of Joohyun, but neither of them say anything more.

All kinds of bad scenarios replay in Joohyun’s mind. She can only think about how badly this is going to end, about how things shouldn’t have to this at all. 

Outside, it pours. Joohyun wonders if it’s a sign.

-

From the inside, the building isn't as intimidating as it seems to be from the outside. Joohyun should know, she’s been there before, but this time feels different. 

This time, Joohyun sits alone in a wide conference room. The huge windows give a nice view of Seoul, a rather calming sight, but it doesn't erase the fact that it’s still unsettling to be there alone. 

That is until minutes later, when Chaeyeon opens the door and someone else comes in. 

Seulgi, in a simple pair of jeans and a blue button-up shirt. Her skin is glowing even under the fluorescent light of the conference room. Her hair is up in a half bun and the bags under her eyes are so light it could go by unnoticeable. But her smile is still there – Joohyun doesn’t think she’d ever seen Seulgi without it. 

For some reason, she seems excited to sort things out and to start planning things, though a little nervous. Joohyun can relate – the inner sides of her cheeks, bitten and hurting, are proof. 

“Hey,” Seulgi says, coming to sit at the chair beside Joohyun. She stops for a few seconds, seems to reconsider if she should before finally sitting down.

“Hi,” Joohyun replies. No words come next and she hates how awkward it all feels, so she decides to add, “You know we don’t have to do this, right? You don’t owe me anything.” 

And she sounds so repetitive that it makes her want to take it back. 

Instead, Seulgi giggles. A sign that she  _ knows  _ what she got herself into, but even so, she doesn’t seem willing to back out.

“Please, this was my idea.” She rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “Besides, I already told you I’m more than happy to help.”

Joohyun can’t help but scoff at the statement.

“Have you always been this nice to almost strangers? It’s not like I did anything to prove to you I earned it.”

Joohyun is used to her own relentless tongue. She doesn't mind it, not really.

It’s better to keep her walls up; she’s learned that the hard way. People always have something snarky to say, something to remind Joohyun of what she’s done, so the walls help. They keep her grounded, steady. They remind her of who she is and what she deserves. People can't hurt her otherwise.

But Seulgi is a strange one. So far, she hasn’t made any snarky comments. She hasn’t made Joohyun feel uncomfortable in the slightest, and she doesn't know how to react to it.

So she doesn’t.

Seulgi tilts her head to the side, as if genuinely puzzled.

“Have you always been this negative about yourself?”

“I’m honest, Seulgi. That’s who I am.” There’s no emotion in her voice, the words come flat, but with a weight she’s not sure Seulgi can take. “Is there anything worth being positive about?”

Joohyun expects Seulgi to keep quiet, to not say anything because there really isn’t anything she can say about it.

The tabloids made sure of it; they won’t let go easy, that much she knows, and the persecution is probably the worst part. Joohyun knows there’s a reason for it – she’s had her fair share of public arguments, fights with paparazzi, a couple drinking scandals here and there. There is nothing to be proud of, nothing to be positive about.

For most people.

But Seulgi is not most people.

“You should give yourself more credit.” She is unwavering with her answer, but she doesn’t sound like she's trying to convince Joohyun. She says it because she believes it, and she doesn’t force Joohyun to agree. “You deserve so much more than you think you do, Joohyun. We only had a few conversations so far and I know this for sure.”

“That’s because you’re too nice,” Joohyun replies, not bothering to rethink her words.

“Is that a bad thing?” Her head is still cocked to the side, an earnest look of confusion in her eyes. 

Joohyun’s answer doesn’t come just yet. She lets the question sink in, gives herself time to think about it.

In the end, she settles for a simple, “I just think you should be careful with how you treat some people.” The  _ me included _ goes unspoken, but Seulgi is smart and Joohyun is sure she can still hear it.

“I’ll treat you like I treat everyone else.”

“Someone worthy of absolution?”

Joohyun scoffs lightly, doubting that was the case with her. She anticipates a snide remark, something that tells her that there’s another secret reason that explains why Seulgi is helping her. But Seulgi’s smile has this tilting curve at the corners, as if it holds something else behind it.

“Someone that matters to me.”

Her conviction is as sturdy as Joohyun’s habit of self-deprecation and that leaves her speechless.

Joohyun ignores the fluttering wings of something flapping in her stomach, the waves of an ocean that don’t seem close to find its way back to calm. 

She's not a teenager anymore. She knows better than this.

This is business, she can’t get lost in it.

And as if sensing it, Sooyoung saunters in and the moment is broken. She is wearing a pair of black skinny jeans topped with a plain white shirt, along with black heels that clank loudly at every step.

“Do you guys need anything?” she asks, already signalizing for her assistant. Chaeyeon stands in the corner of the room, a notepad in hand and a pen in the other.

They both shake their heads and Sooyoung’s expression changes.

Joohyun knows this, seen it many times before.

She’s serious, her posture is flawless, and she’s ready to go on and on about the adjustments they need to make to make this stunt believable for  _ hours. _ She doesn’t blink, doesn’t hesitate. 

She’s in full business mode, and quite frankly, it’s intimidating.

“Let me just walk through what we know quickly, okay?” Sooyoung asks, piling a few files on the corner of the table. She doesn’t sit on the chair – when the space is free, Sooyoung leans against it and crosses her arms, staring at both Joohyun and Seulgi with a strange look on her face. Neither of them say a word, and Sooyoung takes the silence to continue explaining, “In short, you’ll make amends with people you hurt in the past, Joohyun. And Seulgi, your ex, is one of them, so this story blows all over the Internet and after two or three months, we can just let it go. By then, things will already be sorted out.”

Joohyun takes the moment Sooyoung gets lost in her explanation to let her eyes land on Seulgi unconsciously, taking in the way she listens attentively to Sooyoung’s words, like she’s devoted to making this work. It was her idea after all, but Joohyun can’t quite shake away that feeling in her stomach.

She looks away before she gets caught.

“Like Lindsey Lohan, Amanda Bynes and a lot of other western celebrities, Joohyun has had her fair share of scandals as a young rising star. But you know what the difference is?” Sooyoung goes on, her eyes glistening as she moves away and starts walking around the conference room, not actually waiting for an answer. “Neither of them came forward with actual proof they’ve changed and some damages are unfixable. That’s why Seulgi’s plan is so brilliant.”

Seulgi straightens up involuntarily, seeming somewhat proud, but Joohyun remains where she is – the gears inside her mind churning. 

Some damages are unfixable. No one knows this better than her.

Something tells her this line won’t get out of her system easily.

Unaware of Joohyun’s sudden wondering, Sooyoung comes back to the table, but actually sits on the chair this time.

“It’s better if we keep this between us, I think you both know that. A short group of people who know the truth only, including the real reason this all happened in the first place will be better to control,” she says, taking her time looking at both of them.

Joohyun shrugs. “Only you knew about me and Tiffany. Seungwan and I were not on speaking terms back then and Yoona only found out because she caught us so… I don’t think we need to worry about that.”

Sooyoung visibly relaxes at that.

“Okay, then.” She sighs, pauses for a moment of consideration before continuing. “Seulgi, is there anything you’d like to tell us before we go on with this?”

Seulgi bites her lower lip; seems to consider what she should say but is unsure.

“Do you have any exes? Anyone that could come forward and ruin the timeline we’re going to establish?” Sooyoung presses further.

“A few. No one important enough,” she says in a low voice.

“Anyone specific we should be careful with? It could be a friend, a family member or...”

“Just one.” She cuts her off, moving uncomfortably in her seat. “If he gets dragged into this, I’ll take care of it. You won’t need to worry about it.”

The shift in Seulgi’s behavior is obvious. She’s suddenly sitting straighter, her eyes seem sharper. That easy-going, cheerful girl from earlier is nowhere to be seen. In her place, there’s this taut defensive woman who seems ready to attack. Joohyun suddenly has an urge to get inside her thoughts.

“Wow, okay,” Sooyoung tries to ease the tension. She might have felt the shift in the blonde’s mood, but decides not to say anything about it. “Listen, at first, you’ll both go out together to public spaces. I’ll talk to some people I know, make sure they take some pics. And then, when I say so, Joohyun will post a picture of you two.”

Joohyun blinks, clears her throat loudly to point out the obvious. 

“You do know I don’t have social media anymore.”

“That’s why you’ll reactivate them. Tonight, please. That way people won’t suspect anything,” Sooyoung says casually, not making the least effort to explain herself further. Joohyun doesn’t demand her to, trusts her enough to do what she says, no questions asked.

Just as Sooyoung finishes her statement, Chaeyeon walks closer to them with the notepad open and a couple of envelopes at hand. She takes a seat next to her boss and Joohyun can see the scribbles on the paper.

“Seulgi, I have your contract here.” Sooyoung grabs one of the envelopes Chaeyeon came in with and slides them across the table towards Seulgi who takes it and starts pulling the papers out. “There’s a check inside that envelope so if you could just sign the receipt, the next payment will be made next month.” 

Seulgi takes out the check in a haste, her eyes widening dramatically as she looks at it.

“What?” she squeaks, and Joohyun is not sure if she should take the reaction as a sign of happiness or shock. “This is way too much.”

Joohyun rolls her eyes, settling for the latter. She looks over at Seulgi, and simply says, “It’s not an easy job.”

“Joohyun is right,” Sooyoung agrees. She seems to think about it for a moment, taking a deep breath. “Seulgi, the entertainment business is a terrible place for someone like you, someone who values their privacy. The fact that you’re willing to do that means a lot and you deserve more than a simple thank you. Once the news gets out that you are her ex and that she’s trying to make amends, they will find things about you, they’ll latch onto this and won’t let go easily so the least we can do for you is give you the money.”

Fear creeps up beneath Joohyun’s skin, running down her spine. She thinks harder about what they’re doing and what all of that means. She’s been in the industry long enough to know it’s a ruthless business, an ugly place to build a life. There are plenty of stalkers, creepy fans and gossip columnists who are just waiting to find something scandalous enough to destroy her career. 

She really doesn’t want that for Seulgi. This industry can be too cruel, especially with someone so kind hearted. 

Seulgi shrugs, doesn’t falter for a second. “I’m not a secretive person. Being private is not the same thing.”

Joohyun sighs loudly. “I don’t know exactly what I’m so worried about. I just have a feeling this isn’t going to end well.”

Sooyoung’s position changes. She’s still serious, still determined, but her eyes soften as she reassures both of them, “As big as it seems, nothing in this industry happens that people like me can’t control.”

A sudden burst of pride blooms in Joohyun’s chest and the corners of her mouth tilt upwards. She can still remember Sooyoung seven years ago; struggling to finish Business Administration school but still stepping in to help a friend in need of someone on her side.

“And speaking of which…” Sooyoung goes on, signalling to Chaeyeon to pay attention. “Monitor the stats of that first article and check Twitter from time to time to see if it gets traction. If another magazine brings it up again, make sure to keep it hyped.”

Chaeyeon nods wordlessly and leaves the room.

“For someone who didn’t even think about it, you’ve planned this down to the very last detail, haven’t you?” Seulgi accuses, but her words hold no weight and the smile gracing her lips is genuine as she puts the papers back in the envelope Sooyoung gave her.

“It’s my job,” Sooyoung says, but they all know it is a lot more than that.

Seulgi chuckles lowly, but when the laugh dies down, she only seems hesitant, lost even, as if building up the courage to say something.

“I can do whatever you guys need, whenever you need, but I… I have a personal request.”

Sooyoung crosses her own fingers above the papers, nodding for her to go on.

“I want the Saturdays off. No schedules, no plans. And I don’t mind if we need to do something on Sundays, or every other day of the week but… not on Saturdays,” Seulgi says, the change in her tone painfully visible. Her posture suddenly is tense, more rigid like she’s gathering up forces to debate in case her request is denied.

But for once Joohyun doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t wait for Sooyoung’s permission before saying, “Will do.”

Seulgi lets out a breath, clearly relieved, and the tension leaves her body instantly.

Joohyun thinks about how much this says about Seulgi’s character – to be willing to do this sort of thing on Sundays, or every day of the week, just so her Saturday isn’t affected.

It’s…  _ odd, _ and though she’s curious, Joohyun doesn’t ask, doesn’t insist that she shouldn’t be doing this, because honestly, Seulgi seems excited with the idea, seems honest when she says she wants nothing more than to help Joohyun.

And it’s all so  _ intriguing _ that Joohyun has to fight the urge to ask random questions until she fully knows who Kang Seulgi actually is. So she’ll take Seulgi as she gets – it’s not often she gets to meet someone like her.

-

“This is it,” Sooyoung concludes after a while, hands hovering above the papers scattered on the table. At some point, this turned out to be a meeting mostly about timeline and planning. 

“Great,” Seulgi pipes in, chewing on her bottom lip. “Then where do we go from now?”

“Now you’ll go out together.” Soyoung’s response is final; she doesn’t even blink before saying it. But then again, she shouldn’t. They already talked about that anyway.

“Where?” Seulgi asks, alternating her focus between Joohyun and Sooyoung.

“For dinner first, tomorrow maybe. When the media asks about this, Joohyun asked you to have dinner with her so she could apologize properly. Joohyun?”

Joohyun glances at Seulgi and back to Sooyoung, and shrugs. “It’s fine by me.”

“Good,” Sooyoung agrees, laying both hands on the papers. She takes a glance at both women sitting in front of her. “It’s settled, then. Make sure to send me the address of the restaurant.”

Seulgi merely nods, standing up to leave, and Joohyun does the same. She’s already anticipating how that night would end, with camera flashes so bright she might end up dizzy.

She doesn’t dwell on it though. Instead she stands up in front of Sooyoung ready to say goodbye and go, and that’s when her friend says, “Seulgi, I just wanted to say thank you once again for doing this.”

Seulgi shakes her head dismissively. “It’s my pleasure.” Seeming to notice something Joohyun doesn’t, she adds, “I’ll give you guys a moment to talk.”

She bops her head politely and walks away, shutting the door behind her quietly.

The moment right after Seulgi leaves is quiet. Neither Joohyun or Sooyoung say anything, but the taller of the two stands up at some point, glancing over at Joohyun with a sympathetic smile.

“We’re going to be careful,” Sooyoung reassures her, decisively, but even with a heavy pause after, Joohyun is sure she is not done yet. “But you should, too.”

“I will,” Joohyun guarantees, barely taking time to think about what Sooyoung means with that. 

“I know you will, Joohyun, but I also know you.” Her friend smirks. “You’re a sucker for strange beautiful women. From where I can see, Seulgi fits the profile perfectly.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joohyun sneers. 

Sooyoung only shrugs. “I’ve known you forever. You can believe me or not, but in the end I’m still right. And I just want you to take care.” 

The words hold another meaning behind them, Joohyun is sure, but she’s also not in the mood to think it over too much, so she rolls her eyes and gathers her things to leave.

“You’re a liar,” she says, amused. “But if it makes you feel better, I’ll pretend I believe you.”

Sooyoung winks at her, obviously unbothered, and Joohyun leaves.

-

Seulgi is leaning against a wall when Joohyun spots her. She has her hands in her pockets, so relaxed and free, like nothing in the world could make her seem out of place.

Joohyun has a feeling Seulgi could make a place for herself anywhere she went.

“That went well, didn’t it?” Seulgi asks, slightly giddy.

“I guess it did.” 

A beat of silence, but it doesn’t feel uncomfortable, doesn’t feel awkward anymore, and for some reason, she finds herself looking at Seulgi with a smile of her own. The first genuine one she’s had in a few days.

“So here’s my contact,” Seulgi suddenly says, handing a tiny black piece of paper over to Joohyun. When she takes it, she can see Seulgi’s name on it, right above the word  _ photography _ in all caps. On its back, there’s a couple of phone numbers and Seulgi’s social media. “You can call me, or text me, or whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“I will,” Joohyun reassures her.

“And I know a great place we can go! It’s probably not as expensive as the places you go to, though.” She frowns, her nose wrinkled in concern.

“I’m sure it’s great,” Joohyun ends up saying and Seulgi lets out the air she was holding in relief. 

“I’ll send you the address so you can send them to Sooyoung since I don’t have her number and I’m honestly kind of intimidated to ask,” she bashfully adds, not seeming bothered or embarrassed by it at all. 

Joohyun nods and giggles – or attempts to, still twirling the card between her fingertips.

She’s not sure if she should say anything, but sensing Seulgi’s excitement from a mile away, Joohyun comes to the conclusion that the least she could do is try.

“Is it weird if I say I’m curious to where this will take us?”

Seulgi laughs, sweet and loud, but there’s nothing belittling about it – it’s more like she’s glad Joohyun brought it up first.

“Me too,” she says quietly, like sharing a secret.

She leans in. They’re close enough for Joohyun to count the specks of imperfections that makeup doesn’t cover under Seulgi’s eyes, spotting tints of dark circles. 

And then she smiles, taking a step back. 

“See you tomorrow, Joohyun.”

Joohyun doesn’t know why but she gets the feeling that Seulgi is holding back. She doesn’t say it out loud, of course she doesn’t, but she thinks about it even while she watches Seulgi walking away, waving her goodbye.

Strange and beautiful. Against her better judgment, Joohyun thinks it suits her.

–

“Wow,” Sooyoung drags the word, finally raising her eyes away from her phone. Her eyes dart on Joohyun from head to toe.

“Does it look good enough?”

She stands in front of Sooyoung, not really bothering to look at her friend, rather at the full-body mirror behind her. The black skirt she wears is topped with a dark green long-sleeved turtleneck, heels high enough to the point it isn’t uncomfortable.

“Good enough for the cameras or for Seulgi?”

Joohyun rolls her eyes with Sooyoung’s antics, already expecting that to be her answer.

When she doesn’t answer, Sooyoung goes on, “I mean… it’s not terrible.”

“Do you not know what a compliment is?”

“I don’t think I do.” Sooyoung grins.

“It’s been a while since the last time I dressed up,” Joohyun mutters, the wrinkle between her brows only tightening. She swirls her hair between her fingers, wavy strands up on a high ponytail.

“Yeah,” Sooyoung echoes, her voice suddenly becoming laced with melancholy. 

Joohyun tries not to think about it too hard, tries not to lose herself in it when tonight is supposed to be about making things better.

Before she can muster up an answer, the door to her room is spring open with a bang. Joohyun turns around, an eyebrow raised, spotting Yerim with a sheepish smile tugging the corner of her lips.

“Sorry,” she says, embarrassed, with a can of soda in a hand. Yerim seems to take a few seconds to absorb the image in front of her, but when she finally does, her lips part in an obvious surprised expression. “You look great, unnie.”

Joohyun snorts. “She says, with shock in her voice for some reason.”

“I mean it,” Yerim insists, taking a seat beside her cousin. “I’m just not used to seeing you like this.”

“Neither am I,” Sooyoung echoes. She smiles warmly, putting an arm around her Yerim’s shoulders, which the youngest slaps away quickly. “Are you ready for tonight?”

Joohyun seems to think about it for a second, let it sink in how this night could change everything. Seulgi’s plan could be the exact help she needs to set her career on track again. Or it could be the worst.

“I think I am.”

“We talked about how this could be bad for Seulgi too many times already, but we still haven’t talked about how you’re feeling about it,” Sooyoung mentions, standing up and stopping behind Joohyun. 

Joohyun’s mouth opens, but no words come out of it.

“It’s a good plan.” She’s resolute in her reply, final.

“That doesn’t really answer my question.”

“It’s the best one I can give.”

Sooyoung sighs, accepting it with a frown. 

“It’s going to be great. You’ll see,” she promises, certain.

Joohyun bites the inside of her cheek. She looks over at Yerim, carelessly sipping on her drink while looking at her phone, then back at Sooyoung, who carries a gentle, hopeful smile on her lips. She thinks about Seulgi, probably already waiting for her at the restaurant. 

She releases a shaky sigh. It’s time.

-

Seulgi is sitting at the reception when she arrives. Tonight, she’s in a pair of skinny back pants and an off-the-shoulder top, casual but not too casual. She’s styled her hair to give it a little bounce and her lips are in a light shade of pink, barely noticeable but still there.

She stands up to greet Joohyun, her eyes taking all of her in now that she’s not in her day-to-day outfits and with lighting actually shows her off more than the dim lights back in Seungwan’s apartment do. 

They find a quiet table towards the window, following Sooyoung’s request, where they settle and make their orders.

It’s awkward at first, as any conversation with an almost stranger is, but Seulgi does her best. 

Seulgi strikes to be someone sociable by nature; it’s noticeable by the way she doesn’t let any uncomfortable silences stretch, so, because of her, conversation flows a bit easier.

Eventually, the food arrives and there’s not much to say, so they eat quietly.

It’s not until minutes later that Seulgi finally speaks up again.

“So, I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” she says lowly, avoiding Joohyun’s eyes. Joohyun is not really sure if it’s because Seulgi is embarrassed to do so, or if she’s just really focused on the food. She supposes it might be both.

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes, a crease finding its way to the space between her brows. She stops what she’s doing, confused not to hear that easy-going tone she was growing used to, leaves the cutlery on the table before raising her eyes to meet brown ones. “Is it serious?”

Seulgi’s eyes open a little wider, almost comically, but she’s quick to deny.

“No, not really, I guess.” She frowns. “I just wanted to ask you about… boundaries. You know, if there’s anything you don’t feel comfortable discussing with me or… PDA.”

Right,  _ boundaries. _ Joohyun almost curses at herself for forgetting something as important as that.

She laughs at herself. 

“I don’t think so, Seulgi.” And it’s true. She doesn’t mind talking to Seulgi – the last minutes they spent talking at the table were proof enough by how much she shared, that even though it doesn’t seem much, it is for someone who’s been avoiding talking about herself for years now.

“So it would be okay if I hugged you?” Seulgi blurts out, and Joohyun raises an eyebrow at the sudden speech.

“Of course it would,” she replies, surprisingly honest.

“And if I held your hand?”

“Still okay.” 

Seulgi lets out a breath, her shoulders relaxing at her answer. She seems relieved.

“Oh, good. My friends always say I can be touchy sometimes, even if I don’t realize,” she adds, a flush in her cheeks, and continues to eat.

Joohyun does the same, uncertain of how she should answer it, staring up from her food sometimes to look at Seulgi, who’s still diligently eating.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” she eventually says.

“Just wanted to make sure you weren’t going to run away from me.”

And the way Seulgi’s eyes lit up at her own words makes Joohyun shudder, swallow thickly as her eyes lose focus; memories of black hair and pitch black eyes staring at her darkly, waiting for a misstep, for something to complain about.

Joohyun shakes off the memory with a shrug, smiling softly at Seulgi and hoping it’s convincing enough, but Seulgi doesn’t buy it. She merely looks at her, a crinkle in her forehead, but that’s no judgmental stare.

“Is everything okay?” she asks carefully, as if stepping on eggshells. “You suddenly seem upset,” she points out softly, and Joohyun’s not sure why she’s so touched that she didn’t just breeze past it like she wanted

And it’s nice. That she asked and that she’s willing to listen and that she cares.

She tries to remember this doesn’t matter, that Seulgi is simply being nice and doing her job. She tells herself it’s been years already, that she shouldn’t be haunted by something so stupid. But Seulgi’s eyes still glow in the dim light of the restaurant, her expression carries a gentleness Joohyun is not used to seeing. 

But this is business. She can’t get carried away, so she smiles; a well-practiced one, but a smile nonetheless.

“I’m okay.”

And maybe Seulgi doesn’t believe it, but she doesn’t insist. She doesn’t pry, and simply smiles back, hesitantly stroking the back of Joohyun’s hand in soothing circles.

Strange and beautiful. What a unique concept.

-

In short, dinner goes well. It only ends when Sooyoung texts Joohyun to say there are paparazzi on the outside and she has to take in a breath to calm herself down, only now remembering what all of this is about. 

Seulgi seems to notice how hesitant she looks once they leave the table, reaching out to hold her hand. She tightens the hold, so softly it’s barely noticeable, but still there, and Joohyun smiles at the gesture.

“Let’s do this. I’ll walk you to your car,” Seulgi says, beaming, as she lets go of her hand. “After you,” she adds cutely, with a sweeping motion towards the door.

Joohyun walks out first, pretends she’s not seeing the paparazzi across the street, or the ones by the corner. They walk together to the parking lot, and Joohyun feels the ghost of a touch on her lower back – Seulgi’s hand, guiding her carefully.

They stop somewhere not too visible or hidden, but private enough that their conversation goes unheard.

“Are you feeling okay?” Seulgi asks in an even voice, her worry barely noticeable but still there. It’s only then that Joohyun realizes her hands are cold and sweaty, slightly shaky. She hadn’t put much though as to how nervous she was.

“Yes. I had a great time,” Joohyun replies softly, avoiding talking about the heavy feeling in her chest. She pauses, studying the way Seulgi shifts in her spot.

“Yeah, me too,” the blonde replies, and she seems… relieved. “For a fake not-date, it was nice.”

Joohyun giggles. She looks up at the buildings around them, and notices the slight changes that have happened over the years. Before she can think properly about what she’s going to say, she blurts out, “I feel like I’m missing out a bit. You know, with the time away. It was nice going out again, after being back in the city.”

“Yeah, I can imagine,” Seulgi says quietly, reaching out to brush her fingertips against Joohyun’s arms, leaving goosebumps where they touch. If Seulgi notices, she doesn’t mention. “Can I be honest with you, Joohyun?” Seulgi’s voice cuts in through her thoughts again. 

The brunette frowns, crosses her arms defensively over her chest without even noticing the defensive posture.

“Of course.” 

Seulgi draws in a breath, doesn’t look Joohyun in the eyes for a few seconds until she gathers enough courage to do so. In the low light, the brown is almost black, and Joohyun gulps unconsciously.

“Helping you wasn't just a decision based only on believing you, I lied about that,” Seulgi starts. There’s no shame in her tone. “But I did it because I know what it's like to be in your shoes. I know what it's like to love someone and to lose them. You’re a wreck, so you start acting different. It’s like… it’s like you’re not yourself anymore, only shards of who you used to be.”

Seulgi seems pensive, and Joohyun resists the urge to do what she did inside the restaurant and take her hand.

“But one day you start building yourself together, brick by brick. And to be judged solely on those decisions you made when you weren't in your right mind... It's the worst that could happen to you. So that's why I decided to step in. I want to give you your second chance, I want to be the person I needed back then.”

Joohyun hums. The night breeze is chilly, but she finds warmth in pools of caramel in front of her – a look of pure understanding so truthful that it makes her wonder if she’s imagining things, after all.

“Have you finished?” It’s the only thing she manages to say. “Have you finished building?”

“Not exactly. But I’m getting there,” Seulgi states, her voice laced with a certain kind of sadness. She looks up, stares at the buildings surrounding them, much like how Joohyun did, and when she looks at her again, there’s a smile on her face. “About what you said before, you don’t have to worry about it… about what you missed. I’ll take you everywhere you need to go. It’s my personal mission now, since we need to be seen together more often.” 

The chuckle Joohyun lets out is so genuine and unexpected she almost doesn’t recognize herself. 

“How will you do that?” 

Silence permeates around them for a second, the low sounds of the night filling in the cracks. 

“Do you trust me?” Seulgi whispers, an unusual huskiness to her voice. It’s not intentional, that much is obvious, but Joohyun feels her breath hitch either way.

Joohyun doesn’t hesitate, doesn’t think twice before the truth spills out of her lips. 

“I do.” 

“Then, it's a promise.” Seulgi beams, extending her pinky in front of Joohyun, who only laughs harder.

“You're such a kid. Look at you, making pinky promises.”

“They cannot be broken,” she insists, somewhat proud.

“If you say so.” Joohyun stops for a moment, but intertwines their pinkies anyway. “Let’s make a deal.”

“I’m all ears.”

“We need to be completely honest with each other. This is the only way this is going to work,” she proposes, adamantly. 

“Okay,” Seulgi adjusts herself, stands up straighter. “You first. Tell me some juicy secret about you. I promise not to reveal anything to Dispatch.”

“Not so soon. I meant important things about ourselves.” Joohyun lightly pushes her, but Seulgi doesn’t take offense. 

Instead, this only seems to work as an incentive for her to move closer.

“What? You started this and you don’t have any secret worth telling me right now?” 

Joohyun shrugs.

“You know a lot about me already. About my moods, my alcohol issues.”

“Those are not exactly a secret.” 

“All I’m saying is… I’m complicated.”

“We all are.”

Seulgi doesn’t falter – if anything, she seems ready to disagree, probably say one of those speeches again of how she believes in her, but Joohyun is determined.

“I mean it, Seulgi. I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into,” Joohyun says, her voice becoming more serious. “I'm selfish, mean. I have anger issues, whatever you say. But that’s just the surface, because underneath all this... it's messy. I'm messy and broken.”

And it is so repetitive Joohyun thinks Seulgi might really give up this time. But Seulgi’s eyes soften, her bottom lip comes forward discreetly.

“I don't think that. You're not an object, you’re not that easy to break.” 

“You don't know that. You don't know me.” Joohyun doesn’t know why she says it, doesn’t know why she’s so damn stubborn when it comes to Seulgi.

Then her expression changes, a smile twitches higher at a corner; Joohyun pretends not to think Seulgi is scrutinizing her inside her mind, thinking all the worst things about her.

“But I want to.” 

And that rawness, that sincerity hits Joohyun. Something tells her that this simple sentence will stay with her for a long time, with the way Seulgi said it. 

It’s not a _‘_ __I_ know how awful you are’, _ rather a _‘_ __I_ know what you’ve done, but I know you’re more than your actions,'  _ and what’s worse – Joohyun believes her. Completely.

It’s almost laughable how she’s hanging onto every word Seulgi says, latching on like she holds all the truth and Joohyun wants nothing more than to believe in her, believe in herself the same way Seulgi seems to.

It’s kind of sad, honestly.

“Good night, Joohyun.”

And then Seulgi leans in to hug her, the same way she did the day before at Sooyoung’s office but gave up halfway through it. Her arms envelop Joohyun, holds her gently like she’s something precious, something worthy of caring for.

It doesn’t last long. She steps back after a few seconds, but her smile doesn’t leave her face, not even when she starts walking away.

Joohyun thinks she sees something in Seulgi’s eyes when she pulls back, something that shines deeply and leaves a promise for more. As if turning a lock only to find another one. She wonders if she’s imagining things.

It doesn’t matter, does it? In the end, all that matters is that Seulgi’s plan doesn’t seem so bad, after all.

  
  
  



	3. efforts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for any typos/confusing sentence or anything of the sorts i'm just sleepy  
> also sorry for taking ages to reply to the comments, just know i appreaciate them a lot thank u so much :(
> 
> as usual, you can find me on twt @tinyrene :) 
> 
> enjoy!!

Joohyun starts from scratch, there’s no better way to put it. There’s not really another option for where else to begin, either.

She’s back on social media – Joohyun couldn’t argue with Sooyoung against that, even though she wanted to. Deep down, she knows her friend is right and wants nothing but good things to her, but she can’t shake away the anxiety that pikes at her chest whenever she thinks about what it actually means to be back online.

The mean comments, the speculations; they’re all scripted in her memory for what it seems to be forever and it all makes it even harder for her not to let the surroundings close in around her.

So she sits idly on her couch, doing the best she can to ignore such thoughts. But her phone seems to have a mind of its own, buzzing relentlessly since the night before after her fake not-date with Seulgi two days ago, with way too many notifications for someone who’s just created new social media accounts. 

Her eyes drift away from the screen to look around her empty apartment, and though her throat feels dry, Joohyun has this need to do her part. If the fake not-date from two days ago was any indication, Seulgi was just as in this as she was. The least she could do was try her best.

Joohyun stares at her newly set Twitter profile, the followers count rising up far too unstable for an account that’s not even verified yet. 

With shaky fingers, she types her first Tweet. 

**Here’s to fresh starts.**

She hopes that it’s true.

.

“I’m a genius.” Those are the first words Sooyoung says to her once Joohyun picks up her phone and she has to resist the urge to roll her eyes at her best friend’s behavior; she knows Sooyoung can’t see her. 

“Good morning to you, too,” Joohyun scoffs.

“Really, Joohyun, I’m a genius.” Sooyoung’s voice echoes again, more excitedly this time. Joohyun hears some shuffling, a quiet laugh, and then, “Everyone is talking about you guys, it’s even bigger than I expected.”

“Are you sure that’s a good thing?”

“It’s great, actually. That’s why I’m a genius.”

This time, Joohyun does roll her eyes with a low groan.

“I think Seulgi is the genius.” 

“Well yeah, sure, she came up with the plan, but I was the one who executed it.” Sooyoung proudly adds, “Flawlessly, I may say.”

“If you insist,” Joohyun relents. 

There’s a quiet moment, only the soft sound of air blowing against Joohyun’s window reaching her ears until Sooyoung decides to speak.

“Have you seen Twitter today?”

“Briefly.”

“You should take a look. The casting for Boa’s movie was officially released.” 

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes out. It hadn’t even been a week since she signed the contract. “I didn’t think it would be so soon.”

“I think she was just waiting for you,” Sooyoung quietly says. “Some bad comments are still getting a lot of attention, but it will pass soon.” 

“You seem so sure. How –” her voice comes to a halt, unsure on how to approach the topic. The real question burns at the tip of her tongue, swirls over her mind as a broken record. Questions such as _how can you believe me still? How are you still here? Aren’t you tired of fighting bad press?_

Because she is.

She doesn’t ask them, doesn’t bother to. Part of her believes that’s one of the reasons why Sooyoung still sticks around – if there’s something Joohyun is good at, it’s avoiding talking about what bothers her, especially if such things are related to her paranoia.

But Sooyoung is not stupid. In fact, she knows Joohyun so well it makes it even worse for her to understand how she did not give up on her yet. 

“Because it’s a great plan,” it’s what she settles for. 

It doesn’t go unnoticed by Joohyun how Sooyoung decided not to address her sudden strike of paranoia. She doesn’t pry, doesn’t force Joohyun to talk about it, but remains there. Willing to listen and to help.

A short laugh escapes Joohyun’s lips and her careless wandering suddenly becomes background noise, even if it’s for a moment. 

“You’re right,” she says. “Just keep me posted if anything comes up.” 

“Don’t I always?” Sooyoung replies in a mockery tone, but not rude. Before Joohyun can muster up a retort, her friend’s tone is as cheery as it can get as she asks, “Do you have any plans for today?” 

“If staying in and watching a movie counts as a plan, then yes,” Joohyun replies.

The line goes flat when Joohyun finishes her sentence. Not a single sound can be heard, not even Sooyoung’s breathing, and she wonders if she said something wrong.

“God, unnie, you’re no fun.” 

Joohyun snorts. After hearing the same thing over and over, she thinks she might be immune to it by now.

“So, I was thinking…” Sooyoung goes on. “We should have a proper welcome back party for you. Just, you know, close friends.”

Joohyun stiffens. It’s almost automatic, the way Joohyun avoids thinking about the people she lost over the years because of her messes and how it sounds foreign to her own ears when someone else mentions it. People she cared about, people she thought that cared about her too. 

“You know that means only you and Seungwan are coming, right? Maybe Yerim too, if she doesn’t have class.” She tries to keep her tone even, not letting it show how affected she is by the mention of _friends._ “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

There’s more wind, this time coming from Sooyoung’s end, the sound of people talking, then something Joohyun swears it’s a door unlocking. 

“Too bad. I already called everyone,” Sooyoung says. “At your place, tonight.” 

“My place?” Joohyun gasps. She looks around at her room, which is nowhere near tidy, at the clothes she hasn’t even taken out of her travel bag, and thinks about her living room, that probably looks even worse. “Sooyoung, my place is a mess.” 

“Good, I’m coming to brighten it up a bit.” 

“You what?” 

Sooyoung doesn’t do so much as flinch, and her voice remains steady as she says, “Can you call security to let me up? I’m at the front desk already.”

.

The first thing Joohyun thinks once she gets a better look at her living room, a few hours later, is that Sooyoung’s idea is not that bad. Her place is indeed a lot tidier than earlier, much more acceptable to have visitors coming over. 

It’s not like she has many friends to expect, but she could use the distraction; that much she is sure. 

“Sooyoung?” she calls out in a tiny voice, hoping it’s enough for Sooyoung to hear even in the kitchen.

“Yeah?” her friend replies, voice muffled by the faint sound of running water. 

Swallowing thickly, Joohyun replies, “Thank you.” 

It’s quiet for a beat and she can feel Sooyoung is analyzing what else she should say. In the end, she settles for a simple, “Anytime, Hyun.” 

And Joohyun knows she means it.

.

Seungwan arrives first, ever the punctual one. She’s dressed in a blue off shoulders top and dark jeans, brown hair curled into a messy ponytail. 

Joohyun opens the door to see her on the other side with a grin on her face and she’s all but surprised when her friend brings her closer in a strong hug, as if they haven’t seen each other in ages when they did so a few days ago. Still, Joohyun hugs her back just as enthusiastically.

“Hi,” she says slowly, struggling to say more than that while Seungwan holds her like she might slip away.

“Hey!” She pulls back ever so slightly, only enough to look at Joohyun’s face. “I wasn’t sure you’d go on with Sooyoung’s idea. I’m so glad you did.” 

For a moment, Joohyun is very much still, like a child caught doing something they shouldn’t. There’s only the gleaming smile on Seungwan’s lips in front of her, and a pang of guilt rushes through her body as Joohyun remembers she’d never even told her she dated Tiffany all those years ago – not when she’s trying to avoid seeing the pain in Seungwan’s expression once she realizes that is the reason they stopped talking back then. 

Tiffany was never fond of Seungwan anyway, never liked seeing the two of them together. And she was, for a while at least, very keen on keeping that relationship a secret. Joohyun only managed to tell Sooyoung before Tiffany sprung up on her, _crying,_ because she was afraid it would ruin her career if people knew about them. And sure, there were a few rumors here and there, but they had always been careful.

It’s funny, because Tiffany was so confident, so proud of who she was, and Joohyun never batted an eye as to why her ex wanted them to be a secret for so long. Two years hiding, two years arguing because Joohyun didn’t want to be Tiffany’s secret lover... until she did. 

Because Tiffany was right when she said the press was going to hate her when they knew they were together. And not hate _them,_ that was impossible in Tiffany’s eyes, but hate _her,_ Joohyun and no one else. So when Tiffany finally suggested they’d go public, Joohyun panicked. Then it all came crashing down when Taeyeon came into the picture.

Tiffany would never touch her in public, would never do more than simply talking to her, but with Taeyeon – Taeyeon was different.

She would drag Taeyeon around _everywhere._ Joohyun remembers the living hell she went through a couple of months after Tiffany went public with their relationship; how she would scoff every time she saw an article about how her ex brought Taeyeon to award shows, to press conferences, to movie premieres. 

It suddenly made sense. It wasn’t that Tiffany didn’t want to come out, she just didn’t think Joohyun would be worth the effort. Not anymore.

“Sooyoung’s idea?” Joohyun raises her eyebrows, hopes her expression is convincing enough.

Joohyun wonders if that is the moment the woman will put two and two together and say she already knew Joohyun never dated Seulgi to begin with. 

Seungwan frowns. “Yeah, she was the one who wanted this get-together to happen in the first place.”

The relief that sprints out of her body is evident, and if her wandering from before wasn’t enough for Seungwan to realize Joohyun had been hiding things from her, then this would.

But all Seungwan does is smile fondly, tightening the hold on Joohyun’s hand. Joohyun hadn’t even noticed when she took it in the first place.

“You seem nervous,” Seungwan says, pulling her towards her living room like she’s the host, not Joohyun. “There’s no need to, really.”

Joohyun strains an awkward laugh. “I’m not.”

“It’s okay if you are,” the brunette says, supportive as ever, but with a hint of _something_ that she seems to be the only one who knows. 

She tries not to think about what it means, she really does, and then the doorbell distracts her, ringing once again. Joohyun never thought she’d be thankful for something as small as that.

“I’ll get it,” Sooyoung saunters in between Seungwan and Joohyun. “It’s Yerim. She had class today, but she didn’t want to miss it.”

When she opens the door, Joohyun notices Sooyoung was right. It is Yerim, coming straight from college – that much is obvious with how casually she’s dressed, even for something as small as the so-called celebration of Joohyun’s return, but the biggest giveaway is the backpack over her shoulder.

“Hey, guys,” she says as she steps in, ignoring her cousin’s presence completely and going directly to the middle of the living room, where Seungwan and Joohyun are. “Do you mind if I shower first?”

“Well, hi to you too, Yerim,” Sooyoung all but grunts, which Yerim waves off like it means nothing.

Joohyun giggles. “Sure, go ahead.” She points at the closest bathroom. “It’s right this way.”

“Thanks,” Yerim says, before disappearing into the hall.

Taking the cue, Joohyun stands up to go to the kitchen. “I’m going to get something for you guys to drink. I’ll be right back.”

She’s not even halfway there when her phone buzzes against her back pocket, and Joohyun remembers how she set up a Google alert earlier for her own name. It’s not something she’s proud of, she admits, but she needs to know, so she picks her phone and unlocks it anyway.

A trashy magazine that Joohyun knows hates her guts has just published yet another article about her, and she doesn’t even have to read it to know what it says. It’s not like they have anything good to report about her – she did tell that one reporter to shove his questions up his ass, and gave the middle finger to the other one, and – 

Joohyun sighs, and pays no mind to her own distraction. 

It’s a strange feeling she can’t quite describe, doesn’t know how to do it given that she’s never been good with them anyway, but she can’t look away. Through hooded eyes, Joohyun continues to stare at the screen of her phone and remembering Sooyoung’s suggestion to check Twitter later, she opens another tab to log in on her account.

She isn’t sure what she was expecting. Probably a couple articles, a few tweets about it here and there, maybe. But once she finally begins scrolling through her timeline, she notices this is much bigger than what she thought it would be. 

There are _articles_ all over the internet announcing she will, indeed, return to acting. A whole lot more than what she anticipated. Her own picture stares back at her through the screen and she has to take in a breath to prevent her thoughts from going haywire once again. 

One of them catches her attention, the same one from the alert, which the headline reads: _Bae Joohyun makes her comeback as Adelia Kint, a powerful and confident lesbian doctor, but should she?_

Joohyun can’t say it’s unexpected, and though she willed that she wouldn’t have to see it, she can’t look away. Against her better judgment, she finds herself trying to read the rest of the article, scoffing loudly upon seeing the sentence _for starters, there’s nothing powerful or confident in her anymore._

Well, she can’t say she didn’t see that one coming.

It’s not until she feels the ghost of company by her side that she finally tears her gaze away, only to find Seungwan staring at her with an arched brow and an empathetic smile on her lips.

“Thought you’d be right back,” her voice cuts in through Joohyun’s distraction, and she shrugs nonchalantly as she watches Seungwan go straight to the kitchen.

“I got distracted, I guess.”

She clicks her tongue briefly before she turns off the screen and sets the phone aside.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you spend too much time reading this kind of thing to be considered normal?” 

“Sooyoung did,” Joohyun mutters.

“Of course she did.” Seungwan rolls her eyes. “I saw some comments. Some were mean, some were pretty understanding,” she mentions, tiptoeing around the subject. When Joohyun makes no move to speak, she goes on, “Saw some pictures of you with that girl, too.”

Cold runs up Joohyun's spine, her throat painfully tight. 

“Her name is Seulgi.” Though her words are awfully defensive, her tone is soft.

“I know her name. I know who she is.” Seungwan giggles, she’s crouching in front of her freezer, and she yelps as she pulls something out of it. One of the wine bottles Sooyoung brought earlier, Joohyun guesses. Then she takes two of the wine glasses Sooyoung also brought and puts it on the kitchen table. “I’m friends with Yoona too, you know. It would be weird if I didn’t know her baby sister.”

Joohyun doesn’t say anything. Instead, her shoulders slump down in defeat and she lets her eyes drift away from the spacious living room to focus anywhere else.

When she looks at Seungwan again, she’s calmly leaning against the wall as if waiting for Joohyun to look at her again. There’s a teasing smile gracing her lips.

“So, are you guys a thing again?” 

For a moment, Joohyun almost forgets to answer. But then the reminder of their agreement hits her and she shortly laughs. “We’re figuring things out. Just as friends, though.”

“As friends,” Seungwan echoes. “I can tell that from the way you were smiling at her like a schoolgirl with a crush on my birthday party.”

She suddenly feels a rush of guilt take over when she realizes Seungwan doesn’t know anything about what they’re doing. And it hurts more than she expected to, but she should be better than this. She should know better than keeping secrets from people she cared about.

Joohyun blinks, pretends not to be distracted and simply watches as Seungwan finishes pouring the wine on the first glass. When her hand moves to the second glass, Joohyun rushes to say, “I don’t really drink anymore. Just... socially, sometimes.”

Instead of taking offense, Seungwan giggles.

“We are being social. Two human beings interacting, see?” she points to herself then back at Joohyun, taking a sip of the wine as if she doesn’t really care to press further.

“You’re insufferable,” Joohyun counters back, earning a smirk. Still, she doesn’t take it, neither does Seungwan insist. 

She stays sitting quietly, eyes boring holes into the wall with how focused she is. That is, of course, until Seungwan brings up the same subject from before.

“What surprised me was the fact that you dated her and you never bothered to tell me.”

“Seulgi is a very private person, we wanted to keep it low,” Joohyun decides to explain, in a tiny voice she barely recognizes as her own.

“I’m aware. How long were you guys together again?”

This is dangerous territory. Seungwan knows her too well, if she keeps up with that line of questioning Joohyun might spill everything out. Even if she doesn’t, her behavior might be enough to sell her out. And to be honest, having someone else know about their arrangement, even if it’s Seungwan, does little to calm her nerves about the whole plan being flawed. 

“Almost a year,” Joohyun says, remembering the meeting with Sooyoung and Seulgi a few days ago. She makes a mental note to thank her manager for being adamant about establishing a timeline. “It was before we –”

And then her doorbell cuts her speech off, making Joohyun frown. She wasn’t expecting anyone else.

Seungwan laughs. “Speaking of the devil.”

“Don’t call her that,” Joohyun complains before her brain registers the action. “She’s not even coming.”

“God, Joohyun, it’s an expression.” Her friend laughs. “And who said she isn’t?”

She can see Seungwan quirking her mouth while standing up, that same glint in her eyes of knowing something no one else does and – _crap._ Sooyoung probably invited her too; she did say _four_ more people were coming when Joohyun called the front desk to say she vad visitors coming.

Joohyun all but storms back to the living room, eyes incredibly wide as she grabs Sooyoung’s wrist.

“Please tell me this is not who I think it is,” she whisper-shouts, her hold tightening just a bit. 

“Uh, this is not who you think it is?” Sooyoung says, an eyebrow raised. Joohyun groans. “Come on, it’s great that she decided to come. Don’t you like her?”

“I mean, yeah, she’s nice, but that’s not the point! Seungwan doesn’t know anything, how can I keep this lie in front of her? She’s getting suspicious already.” Joohyun almost begs, lowering her tone after the first sentence. 

“Consider it as practice. Aren’t you the actress here?” Sooyoung deadpans, getting out of Joohyun’s hold with a smile. “Look at you, so nervous thinking about seeing Seulgi.”

“I’m not – I’m not nervous,” Joohyun stutters, cursing at herself for it. 

“Sure you’re not,” the other woman teases, pinching at Joohyun’s cheek as if she’s a child. “You’re lucky Yerim is still showering, otherwise you wouldn’t hear the end of it. Just answer the door.”

And then Sooyoung takes her leave, leaving Joohyun alone in the living room. The doorbell rings again, and it’s all it takes for Joohyun to reconsider Seungwan’s offer of a drink. 

.

Despite taking a little longer than she should, Joohyun opens the door. Eventually. 

She expects to see Seulgi smiling, eager to join them. Instead, a tall brunette greets her, not even close to smiling. 

Joohyun gulps. “Hey, Yoona.” 

“Hi.” It’s short, brief. Yoona doesn’t even try to be more than polite. Her eyes scan Joohyun’s apartment briefly, cover the living room with curiosity then settles them back to the younger woman. “It’s a nice place. Bigger than the last one.”

“Yeah, I wanted to change things up a little.” Joohyun ends up saying, even though she told herself she wouldn’t say more than what she needed to. Yoona sort of has this power, she guesses. It’s kind of intimidating. 

“I figured,” Yoona hums. Stepping inside the apartment, she adds, “You’re all about new beginnings lately.”

Before Joohyun can say anything, Yoona is already walking away towards her friends. Their friends, she corrects herself. It’s strange to remember Yoona isn’t exactly as fond of her as she would like, all things considered, but still manages to be close friends with Joohyun’s circle.

It’s only a second later that Seulgi appears, grinning, with a box in her hands. 

It’s a different experience to see Seulgi this close up. Before, it was morning and she looked like she could use some sleep, or night, and the lights did little to accentuate her features. Other than that, Joohyun couldn’t really focus on any other detail, considering how nervous she was, but now… Now Seulgi’s as beautiful as one can get. 

Her hair is pushed back in a tidy ponytail, but it’s got flyaways that Joohyun wants to press back behind Seulgi’s ear as soon as she notices them. Her eyes dance around, no longer caramel in the dim light of Joohyun’s apartment but dark brown, and Joohyun can tell by the flush on her cheeks that she likely ran to get there.

“Hey, you. Thought I should bring dessert.” She lifts the box a bit, and sheepishly admits, “I may or may not have forgotten them in the car and ran back there to get them, but that’s only a detail.”

Joohyun laughs. “You really didn’t have to.”

Seulgi merely waves her hand. “Nonsense. I wanted to.”

A hint of collarbone is exposed where Seulgi has her top buttons undone and she’s pushing the collar up once Joohyun gets a better look at her. She has to look away to avoid the cliff her thoughts threaten to fall off of.

“Are you guys staying at the door all night?” Yoona’s voice calls out from inside, and Joohyun widens her eyes.

“Shit, come in, come in, I completely forgot. I’m so sorry,” Joohyun stumbles on her words, making a sweeping motion with her hand to sign Seulgi should come inside.

“It’s okay, she’s just teasing,” Seulgi rolls her eyes, finally stepping inside the living room. “You get used to her.” 

Joohyun pulls herself away from unsubtly checking Seulgi out to furrow her brow. 

“Yoona,” Seulgi explains as she notices Joohyun’s confusion. “You get used to her. I know she can be… a lot sometimes, but I assure you she’s great.” 

Joohyun laughs. 

“As long as she gets my good side,” she jokes and Seulgi just stares a little too hotly. 

“I don’t think you have a bad side,” Seulgi says in a soft, intimate voice that Joohyun’s body instantly reacts to. 

“I assure you I do,” Joohyun says just as soft.

For a moment, it’s silent. There’s only them staring at each other, with Joohyun fighting the urge to lick her lips and Seulgi staring a little too closely.

“For Christ’s sake, can’t you discuss this inside?”

Seulgi’s laugh is loud when she pulls Joohyun inside. And without hesitancy, Joohyun laughs too.

.

“A little heads up would be nice,” Joohyun comments, joining Sooyoung who’s preparing the snacks at the kitchen. 

“If I told you sooner, would you try to cancel it?” The taller one quirks up an eyebrow, and Joohyun has no strength left to lie and say she wouldn’t.

There’s a brief pause after the interaction – Joohyun is still on her feet because even though she’s sure Yoona doesn’t really like her, it probably means something if she decided to come at all. 

Her eyes end up roaming the small space that separates the kitchen from the living room, and she can see Seungwan laughing at something as she clings onto Yoona, a hint of a smile on Yerim’s lips, and Seulgi merely looking fondly at the two of them.

It’s weird how they all get along so easily, how although she’s the host, she feels like there’s a giant wall between them, because in the end, Joohyun still can’t feel that at ease. There’s a nagging at the back of her mind, a restless anxiety that doesn’t let her rest even while with friends. And it’s quite embarrassing, because coming to Seoul was supposed to be her chance of a fresh start, a new beginning, and yet she’s still haunted by her past.

“You know, it’s not as hard as you make it seem,” Sooyoung comments after a while, noticing how Joohyun’s mind went elsewhere in the middle of their conversation. Joohyun frowns, but makes no move to stop her. “Liking you, I mean. You’re probably overthinking it because of how Yoona treated you after the whole argument thing.”

“I don’t think yelling at someone is how you prove you like them,” Joohyun stubbornly insists.

Sooyoung rolls her eyes. “It doesn’t, that’s not what I meant.” She sighs. “If I yelled at Yerim like you yelled at Seulgi and you didn’t know me very well, how would you react?”

Joohyun is quiet, and Sooyoung smiles, knowing she’s proved her point.

“See? It’s basically the same thing. Being protective over someone doesn’t mean you hate the other person.” She shrugs. “Yoona is very nice actually. You should try to talk to her for a bit.” 

Joohyun scoffs. “I have nothing in common with her.”

“Maybe ask her about her new drama. She’s the supporting actress.” Sooyoung winks, and discreetly, slides the wineglass on the counter to Joohyun. 

She leaves, and it’s not long until Joohyun takes it.

.

The wine helps. Though she didn’t drink much – not enough to lose control, but enough to feel lighter than usual, a little bolder. 

“So, Yoona,” Joohyun drags the word. They’re all on her couch, simply talking about trivial things, but despite being quiet for most of the night, she suddenly feels the need to actively join the conversation instead of watching from the sidelines. “Sooyoung told me you have a new drama coming out?”

Yoona stiffens, but not in a bad way, more like she’s surprised.

“Yes,” is all she says. She doesn’t add anything else, and Joohyun feels silly for even bothering to ask, but then Yoona opens her mouth to speak again. Joohyun notices, a little belatedly, that Seulgi just elbowed her stomach. “It’s just a short drama, nothing big. It’s actually coming out around the same time as Seungwan’s movie.”

Joohyun spares a glance at her friend, that for some reason, squirms uncomfortably in her seat. 

“Excuse me for a minute.” Seungwan suddenly stands up, not bothering to comment anything else, and heads for the kitchen.

They all fall quiet after that, unsure of how to take the sudden leave until Joohyun also stands up from her seat. “I’ll go after her. I’ll be right back.”

Joohyun finds her on the balcony, eyes gazing somewhere else entirely.

There’s a bottle of wine in Seungwan’s hand and somehow, Joohyun is not surprised by the quick solution she offers. Alcohol definitely was her go-to in stressful situations back in the day and with the pressure of her debut as a director on her plate, Joohyun understands her friend’s need for a drink.

“I’m sorry,” Joohyun comments, a hand rising up to caress Seungwan’s back. “I know you’ve been receiving harsh critics too.”

Seungwan shrugs, dipping into her wine as if she barely cares. “No, it’s fine. Really.”

Joohyun doesn’t buy it, not really. Not when her friend’s eyes look so dim, not when she seems so out of place. 

“It’s just…” Seungwan sighs. “How do you deal with it? It’s starting to annoy me.”

Joohyun waits a few more seconds, gathers her thoughts before blubbering them out, but Seungwan waits patiently.

It’s quiet for a while longer, then Joohyun shrugs, unsure of why she’s deciding to keep this from her friend, the whole Seulgi situation, but deciding it’s probably for the best.

“I don’t, not really,” she says, but her words sound flat. “I mean, it’s not like I was expecting a warm welcoming or anything, but sometimes it’s just… it’s too much. And there’s nothing I can do.”

Seungwan nods thoughtfully.

“I’m surprised you decided to come back at all.”

She doesn’t say in a harmful way, doesn’t mean anything bad, Joohyun knows that, but it leaves her wondering either way. 

She did have a reason to leave Seoul back then. She needed a fresh start somewhere far away from all the pain, where bad memories couldn’t reach her or tabloids couldn’t hunt her down.

Seoul had made her sick. A part of her brain knows she has blame on it too, but she couldn’t stay in that city anymore, so she went back to Daegu – after all, there’s no healing if you’re surrounded by ghosts. 

But returning to Seoul… Joohyun is still not sure why.

“Yeah,” she says, the words bitter against her tongue. “I am, too.”

.

Yerim is the first one to leave, claiming to have some assignments due tomorrow, and with a warm hug, she’s out the door. Then it’s Sooyoung, flicking Joohyun’s forehead before saying a soft, “Take care”. 

Joohyun doesn’t think much of it at first, but when Seungwan says she’s going with Sooyoung because she had a lot to drink and can’t drive home, her ears perk up. She’s not sure if she trusts them both together for long before they get into an argument, but she lets them go either way, hugging Seungwan just as tight as she did when she arrived.

Yoona merely bops her head on the way out, saying she’ll wait for Seulgi in the car, and then they’re alone.

The air feels sticky around them, heavy with anxiety. Joohyun is reluctant to even look at Seulgi before parting ways, wanting to prolong this just a little longer. 

Seulgi is looking at her with the softest look of intrigue, as if she’s trying to read Joohyun’s thoughts just as she tries to read Seulgi’s. It’s a gentle stare – not prying, not invasive, but full of warmth and understanding. 

Joohyun hates how her stomach flutters at it, how that squeeze of something soft in her lower belly clenches around her, because she knows it won’t last. Not after Seulgi leaves at least. She knows this is all fleeting, she knows she doesn’t know this woman before her at all, and Joohyun hates how perfectly easy she can breathe in a brief interim of long stretches of solitude.

“Did I mention how grateful I am for you coming at the time you did?” Joohyun starts. Shaking her head, she adds, “For you deciding to come at all.”

Seulgi giggles. “Why do you say that?”

“Seungwan has way too many questions about this arrangement. I’m not sure how to answer most of them, so the fact that you came distracted her a bit.”

“Oh, I see,” Seulgi pouts. “I was thinking you were going to say you missed me.”

Joohyun giggles, bumping her fist against Seulgi’s shoulder softly.

“It’s been two days,” she deadpans.

“Long enough,” the blonde replies as if it’s obvious. “Doesn’t it count as practice? For when the reporters find you too?”

Joohyun’s ears perk up at the question. 

“What do you mean _too_? Did anyone talk to you?”

“Sort of, I guess?” Seulgi sheepishly tells her. “I went out with Yoona and some random dude came to us asking stupid things. Mostly about her, actually, but when they recognized me they asked about you as well.”

Joohyun sighs, massages her right temple with her index and middle finger.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, I knew this was going to happen eventually,” Seulgi assures her, tone soothing and steady. “Think I’ll just have to dress up more nicely when I go out. You know, just in case.”

Surprisingly, Joohyun is not ashamed of the hearty laugh she lets out. “Don’t you dress up nicely already?” 

“You only saw me at special occasions so it doesn’t count, I always dress up nicely for those,” Seulgi points out and for some reason, Joohyun can almost hear her pout. “But I’m more of a sweatpants and oversized hoodies type of girl.”

“Well, we are human,” Joohyun jokes. She fiddles with her sleeve. 

“Also, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something,” Seulgi hesitantly starts, but Joohyun is quick to reassure her.

She straightens up, listening carefully, ready for the other shoe to drop.

“I just wanted to ask how you feel about coming to game night with my friends.”

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes. Suddenly, she feels painfully self-aware, almost laughing at herself for considering Seulgi wanted to back out from their arrangement – an arrangement she suggested.

“Yeah, we were planning to gather at my place and then they all started talking about us. They sort of want to meet you.” Seulgi laughs, more like a laugh of embarrassment. “You can say no, okay, just thought I should ask if you wanted to come.”

For a moment, it’s quiet as the request sinks in. Seulgi is silent too, lips pursed together.

“When is it?” 

“Uh,” the blonde stammers. “Tomorrow night?”

Joohyun gasps, blinking in surprise. “Wow, thank you for the short notice.” 

“I’m really sorry, it was kind of rushed,” she is quick to explain, two octaves higher than her usual calm tone. “My friends are nice, I promise. But feel free to decline.”

“It’s not that,” Joohyun says. She swallows thickly, but in the end, she all but whispers, “I’d love to.”

“Really?” Her excitement is noticeable even a mile away, and Joohyun can’t help but smile too. “That’s great! Awesome! I’ll text you my address.”

“Okay,” Joohyun agrees. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah, see you,” Seulgi says. It’s kind of endearing to realize Joohyun can not only see, but hear her smiling too. “Good night.” It’s so soft-spoken she almost misses it, but Joohyun also smiles when Seulgi pulls back, waving as she walks backwards.

“Good night.”

The thought of meeting Seulgi’s friends is still fresh, and she’s sure she’ll regret accepting the invitation so quickly, but she doesn’t bother to care. Because really, Joohyun needs a new beginning, and something tells her Seulgi might just be it.

.

It’s much later that night, when Joohyun is lying down on her bed that her phone screen lights up with a text message, from Seulgi.

**do you know what i’ve realized? i don’t know how to save your contact here.**

Joohyun shakes her head, but it surprises her how she could grow more annoyed at someone texting her at this hour.

**You still haven’t saved it?**

**not yet. i was considering some options.**

**Like what?**

**i wanted to put something like best actress of this decade bae joohyun but it’s a bit long…**

Joohyun crawls into bed with a hoodie wrapped about her, her face wiped of any makeup and her hair hanging loosely around her shoulders as she types the next message.

**Or you could just save it as Joohyun. That’s my name, you know.**

**but that’s not fun :(**

**You’re an absolute dork. I’m not a fun person myself, there’s no reason my contact needs to be.**

She bites her lower lip at the self-deprecating comment, and decides to add:

**Funny, I mean.**

It might sound better like that. 

**i think you’re really funny, joohyun. and fun, too.**

**I already told you it’s because you’re too nice. Just save it as Joohyun.**

**is it really okay?**

**Of course. Promise.**

A few moments later, Seulgi sends her a screenshot. 

It’s her contact info, saved as Joohyun, with a pink heart next to it and Joohyun can’t help but smile. 

She feels happy about this, probably more than she should for something as small as that, but the information does wonders to her belly, that flutters with the feeling of wings flapping inside of her. She’s not Bae Joohyun, the rising star who fell to disgrace, neither is she Bae Joohyun, the actress who isn’t set for a role she personally identifies with – for a brief moment, for _Seulgi,_ she is simply Joohyun.

  
  
  
  



	4. hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been working on this chapter for a while and then, when i was almost done, that situation happened so i didn't feel very comfortable writing this fic anymore. i'm back tho, thanks to the support of everyone who dmed me on twt or commented here, and i'll do my best to update this often since it won't be a long fic or anything. i would also like to remind everyone that things won't be that bad forever, not here and not in real life either, we just gotta wait with respect
> 
> anyways, enjoy this chapter!

The first thing Joohyun feels confident enough to say about the whole situation so far is how overwhelming it all feels.

There are people _everywhere,_ coming back and forth in hasty strides, busy with their own tasks, but somehow, even with all that rush, a few of them still manage to waste a few good seconds of their so valuable time glancing at Joohyun with a heavy stare she’s well used to.

It’s the kind of place she needs to be mindful of her every move because she can see how everyone else seems to be expecting her to fail. No one says it out loud, no one would dare to, but Joohyun notices how they all seem aware of her presence. _Too_ aware, in fact, just waiting for a misstep, even if she’s still in the corner of the set. And if she were to be honest, Joohyun herself would say that’s what she expects too.

“Hey, hey, sorry I’m late!” A familiar voice suddenly says besides her, not ten minutes after she arrived. It startles Joohyun and forces her eyes to wander away from the gathering that just took place in the middle of the set to focus on her best friend. Sooyoung breathes out, sounding like she ran to get there in time.

“Thought you texted me yesterday telling me to not be late, yet here you are…” Joohyun says in a flat tone, rolling up her sleeve just a tad, revealing a golden watch on her left wrist. “Thirty minutes late.”

Sooyoung doesn’t take the teasing to heart, knowing very well Joohyun is not actually mad at her, and rolls her eyes good naturedly as she takes off her sunglasses.

“I’m a busy woman, Joohyun. Be glad I decided to come and give you some emotional support.”

“You’re literally my manager, of course you need to –” Joohyun takes in a breath. “Fine, whatever. Thank you for making time for me in your so busy schedule.”

This time, Sooyoung seems to be pleased by her answer and lets the corner of her lips pull up to a smile.

“Have you talked to anyone yet?” she asks, to which Joohyun doesn’t bother to vocalize an answer, only shakes her head. “Why not?”

Joohyun shrugs. “Thought I should wait for you. You’re the one with connections here.”

It’s obviously a lie, both of them know that, but Sooyoung doesn’t seem keen on calling her out for it. Instead, ever the supporting best friend, she merely pats Joohyun’s back.

“Good idea.”

Her manager looks at her with an expression that was supposed to be relaxing, but Joohyun can’t shake away the anxiety that settles in the pit of her stomach – it seems to be making a home for itself there. She glances up to Sooyoung, just briefly, before shaking her shoulders and putting on a smile.

“How about you introduce me to everyone?” Joohyun suggests, avoiding making a joke about how someone like her doesn’t need introduction, but her friend indulges her anyway.

Sooyoung hums, seems to be surprised with how good Joohyun is taking everything, but decides it’s better if she doesn’t point it out. She settles for a, “Yeah, I can do that, come with me.”

She walks in front of Joohyun, but not enough to cover her with her height. And if Joohyun feels a little bit more nauseous because of it, she chooses to ignore.

.

Kwon Boa comes to them first. She has her hair in a tidy ponytail, and she’s dressed in a simple silk blue shirt and black slacks, heels so high Joohyun has to, quite literally, look up to her.

Joohyun is not sure if it’s because she’s nervous, or if it’s the fact that she’s finally going to be in a movie directed by Kwon Boa herself, her childhood idol, but it takes her a moment to actually say something. And sure, of course she’s met Boa before. They have seen each other in movie premieres, talked briefly a few times on some award shows and then met again to adjust the details of the contract for this movie, but it still feels a lot like none of that happened at all.

For a moment, standing in front of her childhood idol, Joohyun feels like she’s ten again.

She expects a scold, a complaint. Any sort of comment about how late they are, but Boa smiles, and Joohyun is not sure if she’s just breezing past it because she didn’t notice or if she’s trying to make Joohyun feel better. None of these options make her feel better.

“You’re here!” Boa grins, alternating her eyes between Sooyoung and Joohyun. She pauses on Joohyun after a few seconds, smiles, and tugs her hand gently. “Come, I’ll take you to everyone.”

The room Boa takes her is wide and bright. At first, Joohyun has to squint her eyes a bit for a while, not completely opening them until she’s used to all that light.

She’s not even inside for full five minutes before Sooyoung pulls to her side, hands in her pockets and a comforting smile. “I’ll leave you here, ok? In case you need anything I’ll be right outside.”

Joohyun doesn’t answer her vocally, but nods stiffly before her manager starts to take a few steps back. And then she takes in a breath, tries to calm her nerves, and follows Boa dutifully.

The room she is in now is less crowded than the rest of the studio. There’s a few familiar faces inside; some who look at her with a hint of disdain, but others that merely stand there with a quizzical look on their faces.

It’s not the first table reading of her life, Joohyun knows that, but it sure feels a lot like it.

Kim Jisoo is the first to approach her. Joohyun has seen a few of her movies and even if she didn’t, she’d still know who she is. She’s Korea’s new obsession anyway, her face is everywhere, and it’s not hard to know why. She’s got that friendly, smiley aura as she extends her hand. Joohyun does the same, taking Jisoo’s into hers.

“I’m Jisoo. It’s great to finally meet you. We’ve heard great things about you,” she says, politely, and Joohyun shakes her head in dismissal.

“Likewise.” It’s Joohyun’s answer – brief and direct. Sooyoung would’ve probably scolded her if she was here, but she can’t quite point out what else could she say.

Gladly, she doesn’t need to dwell on it for long because someone else joins them. It’s another woman; tall, tanned-skin, with long hair. Despite the welcoming look, her expression doesn’t show much of the same.

“Bae Joohyun,” she echoes, with a smile that for some reason doesn’t look as warm as she probably aimed to be. “It’s nice to finally see you in person. I’m Yuri.”

Joohyun gulps. She knows her, heard about her many times before from Tiffany. But it doesn’t seem like Yuri will mention their _acquaintance_ in common, so Joohyun merely smiles back.

“It’s good to see you too,” she replies, politely bopping her head.

“You don’t seem very comfortable,” the taller of the two points out, arms crossed above her chest. She looks over to the door being closed, to where Sooyoung was, and her eyes focus back on Joohyun as if she knows _something._ And yet, she doesn’t verbalize it. “There’s no need to be nervous. It’s just the first day.”

Despite the intimidating posture, Joohyun can’t tell if she’s doing it on purpose. From what she’s heard, Yuri is not one to do so.

“I’m not.”

Yuri spends a few good seconds staring at her, without saying anything, but the fact that Jisoo is still there is what makes it all more awkward.

“Good.” Yuri smiles, but it seems strained.

Joohyun doesn’t have the time to wonder what it means, doesn’t want to bury herself in silly thoughts like that one when there are a lot other things she should be focusing on. Luckily, Yuri seems to notice it too and bops her head politely as she takes a step back, and another, and another, until she’s on the other corner of the room.

There are other actors with her, some of which Joohyun worked with before, but some she’s only heard about. None of them seem to be paying attention to her, or at least that’s what she thinks until she raises her eyes to meet someone else’s. Kim Kibum. He stares at her with something close to confusion, interest, yet not quite there.

It pangs her a bit once she realizes Yuri is whispering something to him, but his eyes never leave hers.

“Well, that was awkward,” Jisoo prompts in, her eyes sparkling and smile never faltering. Joohyun wonders how she does it. “Don’t worry about Yuri. I promise she’s great, she just needs to warm up to you.”

“I’m sure that’s it,” Joohyun agrees, even though she hardly doubts it is that simple.

“In the meantime, we can get to know each other better.” She links her arms with Joohyun’s, carefully pulling her closer. “I promise I’m not a creep or anything, but I’ve watched all your movies.”

Joohyun perks up at that and lets herself focus on her new friend, instead of the acquaintances in the corner who are still gossiping about whatever it is they’re talking about.

“All of them?”

Jisoo laughs. “Yup, all of them. I’m a fan.”

Joohyun inwardly prepares to say anything, or simply thank her, but the other dismisses her just as quickly, and continues to drag her along to one of the chairs. It’s only then that she realizes everyone seems ready to start reading, except her and Jisoo.

“I can tell you about it later, if you want,” Jisoo whispers.

“Yeah,” Joohyun replies in an equally hushed tone. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Boa stands up and Joohyun forces herself to delete everything around her for a few seconds, but her eyes meet Yuri’s again by accident. She looks away just as quickly, but as her hands take the script in front of her; she notices how shaky they are.

.

“How’d it go?” Sooyoung asks as soon as she steps out of the room. She looks relaxed, hands in her pockets and all that.

“As boring as you’d said it would be,” Joohyun says, shrugging. She fishes her phone out of her pocket in a haste, trying her best to avoid Sooyoung’s questions because she knows that if she doesn’t, her friend might notice how off she seems.

Squinting her eyes, Sooyoung stops for a second and waits for Joohyun to elaborate. She doesn’t, and that’s all the answer she needs.

“Fine, don’t talk about it. I’m not curious or anything.” She shrugs, and Joohyun continues to ignore her to open the Messages app on her phone. “It’s not like you had your first table reading in years and with a director I know you’ve been wanting to work with for years. It’s not that much of a deal.”

That makes Joohyun look up from the device, lips twisted in a sort of contended smile.

“You’re dying to know, aren’t you?”

Sooyoung huffs as if she’s offended. “Not at all.”

“I’ll tell you, but… not now.” Joohyun promises. “Right now I need a shower.”

And she walks away. Sooyoung follows her dutifully, wondering why the sudden light mood if she seemed about to pass out not that long ago. She finds out she doesn’t care. The outcome seems a lot more interesting than the process.

.

Joohyun's phone, always tucked away and forgotten in some corner, some bag, anywhere really, is buzzing relentlessly on the short woman’s leg. She can feel Sooyoung looking at it from time to time, not commenting on how fast Joohyun takes it and immediately starts texting an answer to whoever it is she’s talking to.

Instead, her best friend simply thrums her fingers in the steering wheel, beating it along to the soft music playing in the speakers of the car.

“You know, I was thinking,” Sooyoung starts, after what seems like ages in silent. “You never gave a proper interview. Not since you came back. This whole ‘fake ex’ thing is all based on speculation.”

Joohyun frowns. “Should I give one?”

“If you feel ready, yes. I think you should.”

“Then, yeah.” The answer is short and anything but sure. She clears her throat upon noticing, repeating it louder this time, “Yeah, I can do that.”

“Really?” Sooyoung seems surprised, but does her best not to show it. Joohyun is grateful; the last thing she needs is her own best friend walking on tiptoes around her.

“Really,” she replies casually. “You can schedule it between shooting so it won’t look suspicious. What do you think?”

“I think…” the tallest of the two starts to say, but then Joohyun’s phone distracts her and she takes it quickly to answer.

**what do you think of this outfit?**

A picture shows up on Joohyun’s screen and she clicks on it to make it full screen. It’s Seulgi, from the neck down, with a cream button up and a brown blazer draped over her shoulders. She’s paired them with skinny dark jeans and high black boots that make her seem taller than she already is. Her hair is down and Joohyun can see how Seulgi decided to curl them a little.

They’ve been since the day before, just day to day stuff, but Joohyun feels happy about it either way. It’s her first time making a new friend after everything that went down.

**You look amazing.**

It’s a short answer, she’s well aware, but it’s all she can muster up with Sooyoung’s not so discreet gaze on her.

The three little dots appear on her screen as soon as the text is sent, but they disappear just as quickly a few times before Seulgi actually sends her anything.

**yeah?**

It’s all it says and yet, Joohyun has to take a deep breath before answering.

**Yes. Stunning.**

“I think,” Sooyoung starts again, louder this time, so Joohyun quickly puts her phone away, pretending to have been paying attention the whole time. “It’s a good idea. Maybe you don’t need me after all.”

The actress rolls her eyes, as if offended by the idea.

“I’ll always need you.”

There’s a convinced smirk teasing by the edges of her manager’s lips, but ever the stubborn one, Sooyoung does not let it show.

The rest of the ride is quiet – other than the music playing in the speakers and Sooyoung’s singing, but it feels familiar, and Joohyun can’t help but smile.

She really missed her best friend. Phone and video calls, short trips to wherever the other one was and some text messages here and there could never compare to being in each other’s presence without having to worry when one of them had to go away.

So…” Sooyoung drags out the word. “Do you have plans today?”

“I’m actually going over to Seulgi’s place in a bit.”

Her eyes are looking straight ahead, worried that if she looks to her side she’ll find Sooyoung gaping at her.

However, her tone is just as obvious as her expression must be.

“Wait, what? How did that happen?”

Joohyun shrugs, tries to act casually. “She wanted me to feel more welcome, so she invited me to game night at her apartment.” As an afterthought, she adds, “With her friends.”

“And that’s a good idea?”

The lack of judgment in Sooyoung’s tone is what makes Joohyun finally raise her eyes to meet her friend’s. She doesn’t look back though, too focused on driving to do so, but there’s a frown between her brows that Joohyun doesn’t know how to take.

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Joohyun bites her inner cheek, debating whether she should say anything else. In the end, she settles for a simple, “I think it might be nice. Seulgi is nice, and she seems like a really thoughtful person.”

It’s brief, barely noticeable for anyone who wasn’t paying much attention, but it’s painfully obvious for Joohyun how Sooyoung hesitates at her words. She’s quite used to it – for years, all she did was over-analyze every single interaction she ever had.

Her phone buzzes again, pulling her away from her own thoughts. It’s Seulgi, so she tries to answer it as quickly as she can to avoid having Sooyoung reading too much into it.

**not trying to cross any boundaries here, but would it be okay if i picked u up to come to my place?**

**it’s cool if u don’t want to. promise! no pressure**

**i thought maybe i could do that and we’d talk a bit before everyone else arrived**

“Is that your girlfriend?” Sooyoung teases. After a short pause, she corrects, “I mean, your ex-girlfriend.”

Joohyun groans. “You’re insufferable.”

**It’s fine by me. I can send you the address.**

“You’re always so formal in texts. I bet Seulgi's thinking the same thing…”

“Can you focus on the road?”

Sooyoung looks at her, completely ignoring her advice as she winks. “I can multitask.”

-

“We need to be careful with when you’re going to see each other again,” Sooyoung begins once they’re on Joohyun's apartment. She takes her boots off, leaves them by the door and walks in with a sigh. “With your ‘dates’, I mean. If we push it too much, then it’s not going to be believable. If we don’t, it won’t be either.”

“Yeah, I know.” Joohyun agrees, doing the same with her shoes. “I’m sure everything will be fine. You’re the one taking care of everything, after all”

“Ass kissing won’t get you anywhere. Hope you’re aware.”

“Agree to disagree,” Joohyun comments, and all but collapses on the couch, pretending not to hear Sooyoung's giggles by her side.

She hears Sooyoung moving more than she actually sees it, draping an arm over her eyes as if that would help with her exhaustion. 

“Anyways, coming back to what matters! Yoona will be hosting this year’s fundraiser gala for the Kang Foundation, and she’ll soon be overflowing with interviews,” Sooyoung starts again, sitting on the chair next to Joohyun's couch. “I bet the gala would have a lot more attention if you were present. It would be a win-win.”

“Yeah, I guess –” Joohyun stops, hastily removing her arm from her eyes and staring at her best friend intently. “The what foundation?”

“Oh my God,” the woman gasps. “Don’t tell me you didn’t read all the articles I sent to you.”

“What articles?”

Sooyoung groans, leaning forward just a bit so she can flick Joohyun's forehead. “Idiot. That’s what you are. A complete buffoon.”

“Hey! Why am I an idiot?”

Joohyun rushes to defend herself, but Sooyoung had always been stronger, so she flicks her forehead one more time before she pulls away.

“Kang Foundation. The nonprofit organization Seulgi started with her sister like… ten years ago? Doesn’t it ring a bell?”

It does not, Joohyun must confess, but still she tries to convince Sooyoung otherwise by keeping a straight face. It’s useless, she should’ve expected that. She’s too easy to read.

“I don’t know the details, but I’m pretty sure Seulgi was the one who had the idea. I think she used the inheritance her parents left for her to start it too,” she continues.

It’s not the first time she hears about Seulgi being adopted. Joohyun knew that for a long time now, and for a while, she thought maybe that was it. Seulgi was one of the kids who were lucky enough to end up in a wealthy family, that shouldn’t be so surprising. But it does surprise her to find out Seulgi’s birth parents were also rich.

And it’s nice – knowing how she grew up with so much and yet decided to give some of that back to the world brings a new wave of warmth to her stomach. And the realization dangles upon her, making her feel… bewildered.

There’s still so much she has yet to learn about Kang Seulgi.

“You should read it yourself later,” Sooyoung prompts in, noticing the disoriented look in Joohyun's eyes. “Seulgi is a very private person, yes, but there’s a lot you can learn about her character if you look for it.”

Joohyun nods, stiffly, and makes a mental note to google Seulgi's name later. For now, though, she’ll get up and shower. Her ride will arrive anytime soon now.

She stands up from her couch, but before she can actually move to go to her room, Sooyoung takes in a breath. She seems hesitant, and that seems so out of character.

“And Joohyun?” There’s a pregnant pause – one that Joohyun knows very well by now. It says Sooyoung wants to warn her of something, but refrains from doing so because she knows she won’t listen. “Be careful with Seulgi.”

And she wonders, for a moment, if Sooyoung is afraid Joohyun is going to break her too. Apparently, that’s all she knows what to do – taking things as her own and molding into something they’re not.

“You shouldn’t worry about that,” Joohyun starts, tries her best not to sound overly sarcastic. “You know me. Seulgi will be running off as soon as this thing is over.”

She doesn’t stay long enough to hear Sooyoung’s answer. That’s one thing she’s sure she wasn’t made to stand it.

-

Joohyun comes out of the bathroom to be met by loud voices talking and laughing at her kitchen. She’s still in her bathroom robe, so she merely peers her eyes through the wall that separates the hall from her living room.

Sooyoung is the first one to notice, not a full minute since she appeared, so she says, “I’ll leave you guys alone. I don’t think Joohyun can stand my presence any longer.”

“You’re too dramatic for your own good,” Joohyun scoffs.

“Too bad, I like talking to you,” Seulgi jokes, pointing at the manager with her index finger.

Joohyun rolls her eyes, while Sooyoung’s grin just turns wider. “Damn, I really like her, unnie. She’s a keeper.”

“Go away!”

Sooyoung giggles at her words, not taking offense by it at all.

Seulgi just looks at the two of them with an amused smile, nods her head to Sooyoung as she walks away.

The room is instantly quiet. Joohyun stares at the Seulgi, the blonde does the same, but neither of them actually make the first move to _say_ anything.

It’s not until Joohyun feels droplets of water on her shoulders that she realizes how she’s only wearing a robe.

“I –” She clears her throat. Seulgi looks up at her in the same minute. Embarrassed, Joohyun notices Seulgi was looking at her collarbones. “I should go change.”

“Yeah!” she replies in a high pitched tone. Also clearing her throat, she corrects in a normal voice, “Right, yeah, you should. I’ll just – I’ll be waiting. Here. In the living room.”

The blonde stays frozen in her spot, stiffly keeping her eyes on Joohyun's face as if scared to look anywhere else.

Despite the obvious awkwardness, Joohyun finds herself giggling at her behavior. “You can sit, you know,” she comments, in what she hopes like harmless teasing and apparently it works, because Seulgi laughs too.

“Yeah, I’ll do that.” Seulgi finally sits on the couch, stiff, hands on her knees and back completely straight. “I’ll be here.”

“And I’ll be right back.” Joohyun takes a step back, doesn’t take her eyes away from Seulgi until it’s completely necessary.

It’s only when she comes to her room, when no one else is around, that Joohyun notices how shaky her hands still are.

.

“Seulgi? I’m – oh.” Joohyun stops on her tracks, heart racing when she notices Seulgi standing in front of the glass table on the corner of the living room, where she left some of the stuff she found unpacking before going in to work earlier.

It was a terrible idea now that she thinks about it, but she left in a hurry, so she had no time to put those things away.

“I was going to throw them away,” she tries to say. Her voice is nothing but a whisper, but the house echoes her words, and Joohyun cringes at it.

“Were you guys together for long?” Seulgi asks, turning around with a Polaroid in her hand.

It’s a picture of Joohyun being squeezed by Tiffany’s arms as she squints her nose, a large smile on both of their faces. She seemed so happy, as if nothing in the world could ever compare to that moment. She knows better now.

“Two years.” Seulgi hums in understanding, and Joohyun completes, “It felt like a lot more than that.”

“In a good or bad way?”

“Both.”

Joohyun strides forward, gently taking the Polaroid away from Seulgi’s hands. She looks at it for a few seconds before setting it aside, alongside the other many Polaroids she found. All of them with Tiffany.

“It’s embarrassing to think I barely have any pictures of me alone from that time. Only the ones at award shows.” Joohyun snorts. “Tiffany couldn’t stay next to me on those occasions for more than two seconds.”

“I’m sorry.”

Joohyun shakes her head dismissively. “Don’t be. It was a long time ago.”

“Doesn’t mean it stopped hurting,” Seulgi offers, temptingly, and Joohyun finds warmth in her words. As if Seulgi is talking with experience in the matter.

“Yeah, it doesn’t.”

It feels… refreshing, to talk about Tiffany with someone who didn’t know her back then; with someone who, apparently, is familiar with scars as much as she is. 

“I will throw them away eventually, but…” She shrugs. “For now I’ll keep them here. It’s better to have bad memories around than nothing at all.”

“Is it really?”

Seulgi has her head tilted to the side and she eyes Joohyun carefully, like she’s genuinely puzzled by her choice of words.

“At least I think so. It helps me remind that the world around me still exists, that my body occupies a space here. Pain is better than being numb.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Seulgi relents. She sounds pensive, hesitating. “You do have a point.”

Looking around, Joohyun feels as her shoulders slop down in casual disappointment.

“I just don’t want this place to be completely empty, so I’ll hold on to them for a while,” she explains.

“Maybe a pet will help?” Seulgi offers, to which Joohyun shakes her head adamantly.

“No pets.” She sighs. “I actually had a cat with Tiffany, but… he got sick and died. I guess I’m not meant to take care of things.”

If the look on Seulgi’s face is of pity, Joohyun chooses to ignore. Instead, she giggles softly – a poor attempt to make the mood around them lighter.

“Anyways, we should get going right?” she asks, grabbing her purse in the couch and standing in front of Seulgi. “I’m ready.”

Seulgi is frowning once Joohyun looks at her, but once their eyes meet, her smile is as bright as ever. Joohyun tries not to dwell in what it means.

-

“You’re acting weird,” Seulgi comments after a few moments of them alone in the car.

Joohyun notices, a little embarrassed, that this is their first first alone since their fake not-date. She shakes her head at Seulgi’s question, ignoring her own thoughts as she turns her gaze away.

“It's nothing, really…” She shrugs. “I was just wondering how strange it must be to have me yelling at you as the first memory of us talking.”

“Oh…” Seulgi’s eyebrows come to meet in the middle of her forehead, a strange look in her eyes as she stares ahead and keeps on driving. “That wasn't actually the first time we talked. I know you probably don't remember.”

“No?” The actress turns around, a crinkle of her own between her brows. Seulgi shakes her head, giggling softly at her confusion.

“Not really. I used to hang around the set a lot back then, when you and Yoona worked together. We exchanged a few words.” Seulgi makes a U-turn, not tearing her eyes away from the road. Joohyun, for some reason, is glad. She doesn’t think she can stand her gaze. “I kind of helped you once, actually. I had a part time job at an ice cream shop and you kept saying you were craving for ice cream so... I might've sent you one. Or five.”

Joohyun remembers that, clear as a day. She had an argument with Tiffany that day, probably about something trivial as it always was, and she came on set grumpy and moody. But when she arrived at her dressing room, there were five different ice cream flavors and a handwritten note by its side.

“What, really? That was you?” Joohyun keeps her eyes on Seulgi, hoping she will turn around this time. She doesn’t, though, but Joohyun doesn’t give up hope she will, eventually.

“Yeah.” Seulgi chuckles awkwardly. Clearing her throat, she goes on, lower this time, “Younger me had an embarrassing idol crush on you.”

 _Oh._ That is definitely new.

Joohyun arches an eyebrow. “Older you doesn't anymore?”

“Nah, I’m too old for idol crushes.”

“Ouch.”

It’s merely a second, but this time, Seulgi actually looks at her. Her eyes are earnest and serene but still so very beautiful and intriguing.

Joohyun draws in a ragged breath, does her best to focus on Seulgi’s next words.

“You know what?” Seulgi says. The serious tone is still there, but there’s a hint of playfulness behind it. “I might make you the exception.”

It’s soft, so soft it flutters over Joohyun’s chest.

-

The ride itself isn’t long, and sooner than she thinks, Joohyun is already in front of Seulgi’s doorstep, waiting as the blonde unlocks the door.

“So you know Yoona already,” Seulgi starts, finally pushing the door open and letting herself in. Joohyun does the same, doing her best to listen carefully to Seulgi’s prep. “There’s Sunmi, we work together fora few years now. There’s also Jisoo and we’ve been friends since high school. They’re gong to love you.”

Joohyun first removes her overcoat, hangs it on the rack by the door as she follows Seulgi into the apartment.

Surprisingly, Seulgi’s apartment is nothing like Joohyun expected it to be. Maybe she’s just naturally gloomy, but she expected to see different tones of black and white, empty walls and regular furniture. Instead, the walls of Seulgi’s living room are painted in pastel yellow, with some pictures that give more personality to the space. The furniture isn’t much different from her expectations, though, so she was right on that part.

“Oh, there’s Mino too!” Seulgi excitedly adds, opening one of the windows. “It’s the first time he’s coming to game night since he’s back in town. We studied together too, but he moved away about a year ago and now he’s coming back for a while.”

Joohyun hums lowly, just enough to show Seulgi she’s listening, doesn’t give much thought to how Seulgi’s friends will react to her. But it nags at the back of her mind no matter how much she pays it no mind.

“Do you want something to drink?” Seulgi asks, but her voice is far away now, like an echo, and Joohyun realizes she’s not sure if that’s because she’s in the kitchen now while she remains on the living room, or if it’s her anxiety clouding her sense of perception.

She doesn’t answer right away, suddenly becoming too engrossed in her own thoughts. It’s became quite a habit she wants to break – this whole _thinking_ too much thing.

“I don’t really drink, but Yoona left some wine here, if you’re up for it?” Seulgi’s head appears in the doorway, hair falling on the air as she eyes Joohyun in the living room.

It would be easy to say yes. She could drink a little, ease up her nerves and then stop. But would she really? Sometimes, Joohyun didn’t trust herself to know when to stop drinking.

So instead, she offers Seulgi a polite smile. “No, thank you. Water is fine.”

Seulgi nods. “Sure, ma’am.”

Joohyun rolls her eyes at the name, but doesn’t comment on it.

It’s past seven, almost the time Seulgi said her friends were coming, and when it hits her, Joohyun starts to wonder if she should’ve said yes to that drink after all.

She was not a really good company while drunk, and lately she realized maybe she wasn’t a good company even if she was sober.

Drunk Joohyun tended to be a little too clingy, a bit too bold for her liking. Sober Joohyun was boring, and insecure. There was no in-between.

“You don’t have to be nervous,” Seulgi reminds her as she scoots closer to her, and soon they sit on the couch.

“And who says I am?” Joohyun snorts. She eyes Seulgi for a few seconds, as if gathering enough courage to mention something. The blonde seems to notice, because she looks back with the same look of intrigue. “What's on your mind?"

“What do you mean?”

Joohyun shrugs. “You seemed off for most of the night.”

"It’s nothing."

"We promised to tell each everything, didn't we?"

Seulgi seems thoughtful for a second before her shoulders slump down and she sighs, but not in a bad way.

"We really did, didn’t we?” She smiles, a little bitter, but a smile nonetheless. For a moment, Joohyun wonders if she regrets that whole honesty pact. They don’t know each other, after all. Being _completely_ honest with a total stranger seems too much of a challenge, even for the situation they’re in. “I'm just... This opportunity came to me and now I don't know what to do. I'm not sure I fit."

"What do you mean?"

Seulgi hesitantly eyes Joohyun, probably wondering if she should trust her with such information. In the end, she settles for a vague answer, and Joohyun considers enough.

"A new photoshoot opportunity came to me. Something completely different from what I usually do."

Joohyun nods – a sign that she’s paying attention.

“I’m not sure I should do it, you know? It’s got me thinking about it the whole day.” And then Seulgi laughs, awkward and strained, but a laugh still. “It hits a little bit too close to home. The theme, I mean.”

The actress hums, eyes Seulgi with the most look of compassion she can manage.

She does know what it feels like, knows how such a request can throw you off balance. 

"Someone did tell me once we should do things we were scared of," she says, a hint of a smile teasing by the corners of her lips.

The laugh Seulgi lets out this time is more open, a little sarcastic, and Joohyun follows her. "Really? This person seems like an insensitive jerk."

"Well, she was right, you know,” Joohyun offers. “It’s working for me so far."

She thinks about Kibum’s searing gaze on the set, about Yuri’s judgmental stare. Seulgi doesn’t need to know about how she’s terrified of the next shooting.

"Then she’s just 50% a jerk,” Seulgi says, almost in a whisper, and suddenly the whole room grows quiet. Joohyun's eyes land on her mouth, at how she licks her bottom lip after her words, then slowly trail down to her neck.

Someone takes a huge intake of air, and Joohyun cannot tell if it was her, or Seulgi. Maybe both. She shakes the thought away quickly, chooses not to dwell on anything that’s Seulgi related – they’ve come too far for Joohyun to throw everything away because of something as small as _attraction._

And then the doorbell rings. It must be a sign.

Relief swings over her and Joohyun sighs, feeling like a huge weight was just lifted off her shoulders.

It takes her a moment, but eventually, Seulgi does get up to get the door, a little wobbly and seeming nauseous. For a moment, Joohyun wonders if she was nervous for the same reasons or for something else entirely.

-

Yoona strides in the house as soon as the door is opened, barely sparing a simple _hi_ to her sister before going straight to the kitchen.

“Sure, come on in,” Seulgi mocks, closing the door with a smile.

“Please, I’m home.” Yoona rolls her eyes good-naturedly as she comes back with a bottle of wine in her hand, and hugging her sister briefly, she comes straight to Joohyun's direction.

She doesn’t greet her, not verbally, but nods her head quietly and despite it being quick, Joohyun admits it’s progress. There’s nothing close to disgust in her eyes, so maybe they’re moving forward after all.

As Yoona pours herself a glass of wine, Joohyun looks up, hopes to meet Seulgi’s gaze for comfort and is rewarded with a whole different feeling in her chest.

Seulgi has her thumbs up, a huge grin on her face, and despite herself, Joohyun laughs out loud at the discreet support. And yeah, maybe they can do that.

-

As it turns out, Seulgi’s friends are as supportive as one can expect from a friend group. They each great Joohyun warmly when they arrive, with a strong, respectful handshake from Mino and a polite “It’s nice to meet you” from Jongin. She even gets a _hug_ from Jisoo, and an excited, “Seulgi’s told me so many nice things about you!” from Sunmi.

Seulgi has the decency to look a little guilty at her friends behavior when the blonde catches her gaze, perhaps afraid Joohyun might find it overwhelming.

She doesn’t. For some unknown reason, discomfort is not any close to anything she’s feeling right now. Instead, there’s something akin to joy, finally the sense of _welcome back_ she hadn’t felt from anyone else other than her own friends.

Joohyun has never been good with making decisions, never been good in choosing the _right_ thing for her, not even before the scandals.

Something tells her this might be it. Maybe, letting Seulgi slowly enter her life and bring all those cheerful friends along (even moody sister, who’s as indecipherable as someone can get, but is trying her best either way) was the right call.

But still, Joohyun has never been one to be brave, has never been _introduceable_. She had never met Tiffany’s parents despite being together for so long, and had only met her friends a few times during special occasions, so the thought that this _comfort_ she’s feeling right now is fleeting makes her squirm uncomfortably in her seat while the others play until she can’t stand it anymore.

“Hey, uh…” she asks, and everyone’s attention is back at her. Yoona and Mino, who were just now arguing about the rules of some game Joohyun had never played before, stop halfway to give her their undivided attention. She gulps, wants to laugh at how serious they look, but is afraid her laugh will come out more as a whimper than anything else. “I was wondering if anyone wants something to drink? I was about to the kitchen.”

“Yeah, more wine for me and Jisoo, if that’s okay,” Yoona says. There’s no bite to her tone and Joohyun feels the urge to smile. That’s definitely progress.

“Got it.” Joohyun turns on her heels, ready to go to the kitchen when someone’s voice rings again behind her.

“Wait, let me come with you.” It’s Sunmi who offers, and soon she’s side by side with Joohyun in Seulgi's kitchen.

As she bends down to get the wine in one of the lower shelves of the refrigerator, a heavy sigh is heard. Joohyun stands up just in time to see Sunmi’s head tilted down, arms supporting her weight on the black countertop.

“Is everything alright?” she hesitantly asks, because she was also never good with advice or encouraging words, let alone for a complete stranger.

Sunmi giggles, raises her head only to look at Joohyun with a relieved expression. “I should be the one asking you this. I know it must be hard to come here and be introduced to us after… everything. I know we can be quite handful sometimes.”

Joohyun waves her off with a smile. “No, it’s fine. I’m having fun, actually.” And it surprises her, but she’s not lying.

“I’m glad,” Sunmi replies. “You know, we’re pretty selective about game night, but it’s nice having you here, so don’t feel like you’re crashing or anything.” She bumps her shoulder with Joohyun's, like they’re _friends_ or something, and goes to the freezer.

Sunmi grabs two beers, and leans back on the countertop, eyeing Joohyun carefully but not judgmentally.

“I’m glad you came, despite everything. Seulgi’s been kind of down since yesterday, but you coming here helped. She seems more… lighter, maybe? It still seems like everything reminds her of Yunho, and...” Sunmi gulps, swallowing her words like something is keeping her from saying more than that. “Is it weird to talk about this with you? Seulgi doesn’t want to talk about him with me and I just…”

The way she says it makes Joohyun frown and force a solemn smile, like she knows who Sunmi is talking about. She doesn’t, of course, doesn’t remember Seulgi ever mentioning the name.

But it makes her remind of when they were at Sooyoung’s office and her manager asked Seulgi if there was anyone they should be wary about. Joohyun breathes in, like she does every time she needs to conjure her acting skills in real life.

“No, it’s all right,” Joohyun effortlessly replies. Temptingly, she dares add, although afraid of being caught red-handed, “I know it’s tough on her, and sometimes she doesn’t feel like talking about things that upset her. We both know how Seulgi is.”

And she doesn’t, not really. She doesn’t know Seulgi how Sunmi does, or anyone else in that living room, but apparently her words work and a relieved sigh shudders out of Sunmi’s lips.

“Yeah.” She humorlessly smiles. “Seulgi carries the whole world on her shoulders sometimes. I’m glad she decided to let you help.”

Sunmi squeezes her shoulder with her free hand, and her smile turns a little bit more truthful, like Joohyun had passed in her test. And then she walks away.

Of course, Joohyun respects Seulgi’s privacy, always had. But Sunmi’s worry echoes in her head and as the parasite she feels she is, Joohyun wants to greedily pull Sunmi back to the kitchen, inquire her until she knows exactly who Yunho is and what he did to hurt Seulgi. Wants to ask everything else there is to know about the person who so willingly chose to step in as her ex-girlfriend.

And it’s ironic, Joohyun knows, because she doesn’t want _this_ to get personal, doesn’t want to get attached to Seulgi when she knows they’ll both part ways in three months or so. But she can’t help but want to know more, because she had always been curious and she had never met someone as kindhearted as Seulgi is proving to be with no ulterior reason other than to simply help.

Naturally, she doesn’t do anything. Instead, she drinks more water, grabs the wine bottle and goes back to the living room like nothing happened at all.

.

“What are we playing next?” Joohyun asks once she sits back where she was.

Yoona looks at her distressed, rolling her eyes and shaking her feet repeatedly. She would probably take it personally if it wasn’t for Mino’s loud and excited voice cutting through the silence.

“Pictionary!” He grins, making Yoona huff soundly. “Since Yoona lost in Rummikub and she was the only one who didn’t want Werewolf… we’ll play Werewolf!”

Joohyun giggles, unconsciously laying a hand on Yoona’s shoulder quickly for quiet support. She doesn’t notice until she’s pulled her hand back and there was no sign of either disgust or discomfort from Yoona, so yeah, progress it is.

“Scoot over, I’m pairing up with Hyun,” Seulgi says, making a _shoo_ sign with her hand to Jongin, who rolls her eyes at the demand.

“I hope you know this is really unfair,” he complains, but gets up from the couch anyway.

And Joohyun is not a fool. She’s no stranger to flirts, but she doesn’t quite know how to react when Seulgi’s hand reach her thigh right there in the open. No one else seems to notice, they’re all still arguing about which game to start when Seulgi says with a little squeeze to her knee, “Maybe we could play Pictionary first. Joohyun never played it before.”

Yoona’s eyebrows shot up, but she doesn’t argue. Jennie, on the other hand, snorts and mutters something that sounds like ‘whipped’, that Joohyun chooses to ignore.

Joohyun feels the stares from everyone as Seulgi grins unbothered by her side, and awkwardly smiling, asks, “Why’s everyone looking at me like they want me dead?”

Seulgi sheepishly smiles at Joohyun. “Because I’m really good at Pictionary. We’re going to make a great team.”

-

Turns out, Seulgi was not exaggerating. She was not only good at Pictionary, but in UNO, Werewolf, and every other game her friends introduced Joohyun to.

She never thought she’d play as many games as tonight, but she’s happy.

(And if said happiness is because Seulgi cheated more than once and made her win most games, well, that’s just a detail.)

.

In short, the night was more enjoyable than Joohyun expected it to be. She tells Seulgi as much, once everyone left and they’re alone in her apartment again.

“I’m not sure how that happened,” Joohyun starts as soon as Seulgi clips the door shut behind her and runs a hand through messy blonde streaks. “But somehow I really enjoyed myself tonight.”

“I did, too,” The blonde’s eyes crinkle by the corners as she beams, in a somewhat familiar way. “I’ve been telling you you’re fun. Everyone had a great time today.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course they did! Game night wasn’t that fun in _ages.”_

Joohyun doesn’t want to, but she clings almost instantly to Seulgi's words. Believes her without a shed of doubt, ignoring her subconscious telling her this is embarrassing.

“I should probably go.” It’s what Joohyun settles for in the end.

“Oh,” Seulgi breathes, blinking in surprise once she looks at her wrist watch. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s getting late. I’ll call you an Uber.”

Joohyun nods, smiling softly at how Seulgi fishes her phone out of her pocket and frowns as she types both addresses.

“Done,” she says after a while, shoving the phone back where it was. She opens her mouth, but closes it shut not even a few seconds after.

Why does she hesitate? Why does she glance up shyly at Joohyun like she’s expecting something else?

“What?” Joohyun asks.

Seulgi softly smiles. “Nothing.”

Joohyun scoffs, but doesn’t insist. She’s afraid the answer might not be what she expects, so like always, she deflects.

They step outside, and Seulgi walks her to the reception desk, waiting by her side until Joohyun’s ride gets there. She still has that stupid grin on her face, and still talks and talks about anything that comes to her mind. It makes her feel so at ease, so _calm._

And Joohyun’s smile begins to falter. Because Seulgi is just so beautiful, and she doesn’t quite know what to do with this information.

What she wants to do, is to let everything stay as it is. That’s all.

Joohyun has no choice but to leave. Keep it easy and carefree, with the steady, young, fearful hope of better things to come beating inside her chest.

And then her Uber arrives, and the moment is broken.

Joohyun gets up, and Seulgi does the same. As they stand there in the empty reception hall, Seulgi's eyes have that same glow from a few minutes before, when they were still up at her apartment.

“I’m glad you came,” Seulgi says, lowly, and takes a careful step forward. Gently, she pulls her in by a hug, and Joohyun relents easily. It’s not until they’re pulling apart that she feels it – a kiss on the cheek.

With a stupid smile of her own, Joohyun breathes out. “What was that for?”

“Incentive for you to come back.” The blonde has this sassy grin on her lips, this _glow_ in her eyes. And shit, Joohyun feels lost.

“Like I don’t have plenty, already.” Joohyun rolls her eyes, taking a step back. “Good night, Seulgi.”

“Good night, unnie.” She waves goodbye, and Joohyun merely nods at her once she closes the large glass door.

She greets the driver when she steps inside the vehicle, confirms her destiny and waits for him to drive, but everything feels blurry and confusing.

Joohyun wonders why was the kiss for if not a promise of more to come.

And hope, like a parasite, grows.


	5. chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a little heads up, this isn't beta'ed yet, so i apologize for all mistakes and typos. and follow me on twt if u want to yell or just talk or anything really i'm @tinyrene. i hope yall enjoy this chapter!
> 
> and lastly, happy early new year! i hope 2021 is kind to each and everyone of you! :) 

The headline is what catches Joohyun’s eye first. It’s right there in the open, in all caps and everything, filling the small space of the magazine top with _Oh, how the mighty have fallen!_ followed by random shots of her. Some of them being of her with Seulgi, some with Sooyoung and Seungwan, but none of her alone.

She scoffs at the subpar, generic title. She’s not even a journalist and yet Joohyun knows for a fact she could do better than that. 

But the laugh dies down on her lips once her eyes travel lower, landing on the sub-title right beside Seulgi’s picture. It’s more discreet, but still as obvious as the headline as it goes: _“Not satisfied with turning Kang Seulgi’s life upside down, washed-up starlet Bae Joohyun decides to do it again by asking for forgiveness.”_

Below, there’s a little about the movie she’s filming, about the time she spent out of the spotlight and _of course¸_ what drove her away from Seoul all those years ago.

It’s useless to spend so much time focusing on things as small as that, but Joohyun can’t help it. Her mind does it on its own, threading her into this endless web of brooding. 

So by force of habit, she grabs the phone in her back pocket, types her name in the Google search bar as soon as she unlocks it, but her fingers hover above the keyboard for a while before pressing the search button. Joohyun stays like this for a few seconds, wondering whether or not it’s a good idea.

In the end, she presses the backspace key until the search bar is empty. When the pads of her thumbs start typing again, it’s to a completely different name.

There’s nothing new or nothing she wasn’t expecting to find when Seulgi’s picture shows on the first page. There’s a few articles, sure, but there isn’t anything as bad as she thought she’d find. Relief spreads all over Joohyun’s chest.

She scrolls down, stopping when an article from two years ago prompts up her screen. Joohyun clicks on it before she can stop herself, and reads, reads, reads, but there’s nothing more than what she already knows. It’s ironic how devoted she was to respecting Seulgi’s privacy before, and yet here she is, digging to find _anything._

Joohyun shakes her head to avoid getting lost on her own thoughts, but before she can set her phone aside, the device rings on her hand and Seungwan’s name shows up on the screen, startling Joohyun.

She picks up immediately. 

“Hey,” Seungwan greets, as chirpy as one can be. 

Joohyun will never understand how she’s always in such a good mood when things are looking as ugly for her friend as it’s been for her. Not for the same reason, of course, but still maybe just as bad.

The industry is a toxic place to build a life on, she’s said to Seulgi before, and she knows Seungwan thinks the same way. But unlike Joohyun, Seungwan had never doubted the fact that she was _good,_ so it makes Joohyun wonder if that’s why she doesn’t let the critics get to her – not when she knows they’re far from the truth.

“Hi. Is everything alright?” Joohyun asks.

There’s a pause. Not hesitancy exactly, but something just as hard to pinpoint.

“Yeah, I just – yeah, it is. I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch this week?”

“Sure,” she replies easily. Another question burns at the tip of her tongue, and Joohyun lets it roll off as naturally as she can, “Did anything happen?”

“No, silly. Just miss you.” Seungwan giggles, lighthearted. 

Joohyun softens, heart squeezing in a good way. 

“I miss you, too,” she says. Then, after a pause, she adds, “Is Sooyoung coming too?”

There’s silence again. This time, it’s palpable how hesitant Seungwan is.

“No, she isn’t.” She sighs, and Joohyun can almost see her friend running her fingers over her temples, looking just as lost as she sounds. Fights with Sooyoung tend to do that to her, so it still amazes Joohyun how often they are. Well, not as often as _before,_ but still. “You can come by any time, and I’ll be here. Just let me know, okay?”

“Of course,” Joohyun replies, used to not pushing when it comes to them. “See you.”

She thinks she can hear Seungwan’s smile through the line, and she feels warm at it, thrilled how her friends seem so thoughtful and caring and attentive. Despite their differences, they never let it get to her.

It doesn’t last long. None of the happiness she’s felt over the years did.

It’s just a feeling she gets, but Joohyun wonders if that’s her friends’ way of keeping her on a leash, trying to keep her within an arms’ length to make sure she won’t hurt anyone else. It pains her to admit, proud as she’s always been, but maybe they’re right to do so – it seems to be working well so far, after all.

.

The next day, Joohyun focuses on studying the script before the shooting but she can't ignore it.

She signed the contract with Boa ages ago, settled the details from her arrangement with Seulgi, reactivated her social media. Shooting has been going smoothly for the past two weeks – despite the glares she gets from Yuri and sometimes Kibum, there’s no major setback. 

Everything is in order and yet… There’s something else crawling at the back of her mind that she can’t quite identify, something missing.

And she feels tired. She’s so damn tired, noticeably so from the dull orbs and tight lips; her sleepless nights coming forward in the form of dark marks below her eyes. She leans her back against the chair, runs her hands over her face and up to the messy strands of hair falling over her eyes to avoid wondering about what’s gotten her like this. 

It’s pointless. Joohyun already knows the answer.

She didn’t have a problem with it before, but being inside her apartment lately is agonizing.

Not because it’s a bad place to live in – it’s the complete opposite actually. Still, it is a huge apartment, especially for only one person. There’s way too much room.

And it’s not only because it’s a large apartment, though it is, but mostly because she used to share a place with someone else before moving back to Daegu. 

And see… Joohyun doesn’t actually mind being alone. She spent so much time by herself that she knows how to survive, knows how to entertain herself, so it never really bothered her.

It’s not like she hates having other people around either. Since she met Sooyoung and Seungwan in film school, she had come to realize that sometimes being alone should not necessarily be her first option.

But there's something going on with her head and she’s not sure of what it is, what it means. And for a moment, her heart tightens and the lump in her throat returns.

Without realizing it, her vision is blurry and her conscience heavy. She hates when the simplest of things trigger certain memories that she made a point of burying as deeply as she could, especially when it happens so suddenly. It’s unconscious, but it doesn’t affect her any less. It doesn’t make her feel any less guilty.

If at first it was only fear of coming back home, now it's something else. At least before she could attribute her fear to her acts of the past, that maybe she was only scared of the backlash.

Now it's not just that. It's been biting at her chest, this feeling, she doesn't know how to name it and she doesn't want to. But it's there. It keeps her awake at night and keeps her isolated in her apartment even when she feels like she might drown.

She feels… trapped. An unreachable place. Locked in a tower where no one can reach. But then again, how can you reach someone who doesn’t want to be found?

.

Time doesn’t seem to be on Joohyun's side lately, it’s one of the few certainties she still has. The fact doesn’t catch her completely off guard, not really, but it still manages to throw her off balance from time to time.

Productions aren’t rushed, though. Quite the opposite, in fact, they seem to be taking as long as they can to rehearse and film everything. Which Joohyun supposes it’s a good thing. It’s her comeback, after all, and she’s determined to make it right.

But it’s been only two weeks, and she was never sure of much.

Seulgi, on the other hand, feels like a constant in her life, the only thing she has that seems to be moving _forward._ She’s like a friend Joohyun hasn’t seen in years and is now catching up. There’s nothing bad enough going on in Joohyun’s life that she can’t make it better somehow.

 **so, exhibition date** , a text pops up on Joohyun’s screen.

A smile crawls to her lips, but she brushes it off like she can’t bear to let anyone know how such a silly little thing like a text seems to lit her mood these days.

**Why does this feel like a question?**

Seulgi’s reply comes quickly, they always do.

**it was supposed to be one lol sorry**

**do u wanna see mino’s exhibition with me?**

This time, Joohyun can’t help but giggle. She doesn’t mind that everyone in set still seems wary of her, or that Yuri is watching her like a hawk.

**_Seems like a good idea._ **

**_great! i’ll pick u up tomorrow night ;)_ **

God, emoticons should be reason for mockery, not to make her _blush._

Joohyun sighs at the realization, closing her eyes and massaging her temple. 

“So you’re twenty-seven and acting like a high schooler,” someone jokes next to her. Despite the words, it’s not said in a mean tone. “But somehow that doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would.”

Joohyun rolls her eyes, but it seems like Sooyoung’s teasing was exactly what she needed because before she can stop herself, the corners of her mouth are already curling upwards to form another smile. Maybe having an extremely obnoxious best friend wasn’t as bad as Joohyun always said it was.

“And you’re twenty-four and still don't know how to mind your own business. Shocking, I know,” she fires back, without actual bite to it.

Sooyoung scoffs, but doesn’t seem upset. Instead, she’s even more determined with her teasing.

“I mean it, you know. You’ve been… happier, lately. You don’t even shrink that much when Yuri looks at you anymore.”

She huffs at the reminder, mostly surprised Sooyoung even noticed. But she’s always been attentive, hasn’t she? Joohyun just liked to pretend the contrary.

“And what does that even mean?”

“That Seulgi is good for you.”

Joohyun snorts, not the least bit convinced. “Weren’t you the one asking me to be careful with her the other day?”

Squinting her eyes, Sooyoung levels Joohyun with a dry look. “Those aren’t mutually exclusive.”

“Interesting,” Joohyun hums, wanting to dig at Sooyoung’s cryptic notions. That’s all she ever does lately, actually – hint at something Joohyun will never find out what it is. Her guess is that Sooyoung does it on purpose, just to keep her on her tiptoes, always sharp. “I just thought you had a soft spot for Little Miss Sunshine.” 

Sooyoung breathes out. Not relief, but not contempt either.

“No, I don’t,” she says quietly. “But I do have one for you.” 

Joohyun’s smile falters, her eyebrows knitting, and she opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.

It catches her off guard so certainly that she almost stumbles backwards, frowning at Sooyoung as if she just said the most unexpected thing Joohyun could ever hear. 

It’s partially true, though, because they don’t just lay compliments on each other. Not like that, at least. Not without thought, without a pause of either hesitation or consideration. They just don’t. Their friendship is built on harsh, but true criticism, and mutual support during dark times. 

They trust each other, and rely on one another to be honest when they need someone to bring them back to reality. Sure, things like that often come out when they’re in one of those half-wrangles they tend to get into, but never out of the blue. 

Sooyoung’s eyelashes flutter once. Then, she smiles, “You thought I didn’t have it in me to be that gentle, did you?”

And just like that the moment is broken. It’s just who they are.

“Oh, shut up,” Joohyun jeers, bumping their shoulders.

“But I mean it,” Sooyoung insists, a few minutes into the silence. “You both are like… the perfect match. That’s why this whole thing has been working well in our favor.”

 _Has it really?_ Joohyun is tempted to ask, thinking back to the article she read earlier that day, but Sooyoung has a lot on her plate already. The last thing she needs is to feel Joohyun’s hesitancy toward the whole plan.

Instead, she says, “Isn’t it funny how the only criteria for a perfect match seems to be that both people are single?”

“Sometimes not even that,” Sooyoung disagrees. Smirking that devilish little side smile Joohyun grew to fear, she adds, “I can tell you some interesting stories.”

“Please, don’t,” she says. “Your love life scares the hell out of me sometimes. It’s like you always have a horror story to add to the count.”

“Look who’s talking.” Sooyoung scoffs. “At least you have a chance with Seulgi now. Maybe you could –” 

“No,” Joohyun cuts her off before she can go on. She already knows where this is headed anyway. Sighing, she goes on, “She's probably straight. Everyone was talking about an ex that day at her place, a _him.”_

“You told me she had an idol crush on you, Joohyun. You can't be that dumb. Bisexuality is a thing, you know.” Her tone isn’t offensive, but it lacks the quiet gentleness from before. It’s replaced by an abrasive and sharp intonation, like Sooyoung suddenly realized she’s too tired of coddling a 27-year-old adult. “How often do you guys text?” 

Joohyun takes in a ragged breath, suddenly feeling so, but _so_ small. Defenseless like Sooyoung hit a nerve.

“It’s nothing.” 

Sooyoung arches an eyebrow. “Joohyun, you’re better than this.” 

“What?” Joohyun asks, tone finally matching her best friend’s. “Better than texting a friend?” 

“Better than lying to me. You know what I mean. We’re friends for years and you never texted me that often,” she insists. Her voice is softer now, like she just realized her mistake before and is trying to make up for it. 

Joohyun, on the other hand, seems like she couldn’t care less. She’s never been very good at controlling her anger, and sometimes it just… spills out of her.

“Seulgi and I are friends, Sooyoung,” she hisses. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous.” 

“What? God, Joohyun, this is not about jealousy.” 

“Then tell me what it is about.”

Gone is the playful pushing, the joking mood. Now, it feels like they’re not even friends at all.

“It’s about being too much of a coward to do anything,” Sooyoung finally snaps. And, well, that definitely hit a nerve.

“Well, you’re one to talk. How long have you been in love with Seungwan?” Joohyun shoots back, and oh, _fuck._

Sooyoung crumples, takes a step back and shrinks into herself.

This time, she seems more than taken aback. Her eyes carry a kind of glow deeper than betrayal. Steadying herself, Sooyoung lifts her head high enough to act unaffected. 

“Okay, that’s it,” she whispers. “I’m going home.” 

And in that moment, Joohyun remembers who she really is, how the progress she’s made means nothing at all.

“Sooyoung, wait.” She reaches out to grab her friend’s arm, but Sooyoung staggers back, Joohyun’s hand falling loosely in the air without anything to hold.

“No, Joohyun. I was messing with you and you do this?” she says, astonished. “You can’t – you can’t just say stuff like that and expect me to forgive you because I’m such a good and understanding friend. Just don’t. Leave me alone.”

And she staggers out the door of the studio without wavering, leaving Joohyun behind, utterly shocked at how she managed to fuck that up so badly so quickly. Again.

So yeah, maybe Joohyun was wrong about the whole mutual support during dark times part. Maybe she’s the weakest link between the two of them, but that’s no shock. 

If there’s another thing she’s sure of, is that if Sooyoung doesn’t forgive her, she’s right not to.

.

“We’re taking an hour break, everyone.” Boa’s voice echoes in the studio, followed by two light claps before she adds, “Good job today. Let’s keep it up.”

Joohyun shudders out a breath of relief, a bit of tension dropping away from her shoulders. She does need a rest, even if it’s a short one. The last scene she’s filmed proved to be more of a challenge than she expected, and then there’s the whole… Sooyoung fiasco. She doesn’t even know where to begin with that one.

“Hey, you alright?” Jisoo steps in by her side, seeming unaware that as soon as the break was announced, everyone scattered away from Joohyun as quickly as possible. 

Not Jisoo, though. She never did. While everyone else ran away, Jisoo was always the one to come to her first.

It reminds Joohyun, although briefly, of someone else – someone with intentions just as kind, but with blonde hair and even warmer eyes. Joohyun’s guts tighten a little at the realization, and she shakes her head to think of something else. Anything.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Joohyun reassures her, smiling.

Jisoo’s mood seems to lighten up at that. 

“Oh, okay. You got distracted for a sec there. Got me worried.” She giggles. “Anyways, uh, I was wondering if you’d like to grab something to drink or eat while we’re on break? There’s this cafe down the corner and it’s very discreet, I promise.”

Joohyun is not sure. She’s not embarrassed of saying, but she’s wary. After a few scandals, all people want from you is a chance to see you slip again, to catch that on tape. She’s learned a few things.

Joohyun tried to change before, tried to get a second chance, but that only drove her even farther away from the spotlight, and so she stayed in the dark for a few more years.

But Jisoo, for some reason, sparks confidence. She seems to be honest about wanting to befriend Joohyun and that scares her. Because exactly as she tried to come back before, she had bad experiences with friendly people too.

Though she’s not the best at making decisions, she supposes Jisoo might not be the worst choice. She does need to open up more anyway.

So Joohyun smiles, quickly being mirrored by Jisoo. 

“Yeah, of course. Seems like a good idea.”

.

The cafe is partly hidden between two department stores and it would be easily missed if they weren’t looking for it, so Jisoo was right in saying it was discreet. But it wasn’t as empty as Joohyun expected to be when they arrived.

But that was fine – totally okay. She would just have to choose a hidden corner to sit, and do her best to keep both her cap and mask on for as long as she could. 

“So…” Jisoo starts when their order arrives. Unbothered, she takes a sip on her iced coffee while Joohyun looks around briefly before pulling her mask down just enough to drink from her cup. “I’m not trying to meddle, I swear, but I noticed some things.”

Joohyun hums, lips still attached to the edge of the plastic cup, but loud enough for her company to hear.

“What’s up with you and Yuri by the way?” 

Joohyun breathes out, nearly choking on her drink but pretending not to in the best way she can. She should’ve expected someone would notice that sooner or later – it’s not like Yuri is subtle with the deathly glares, nor Joohyun is with how much she avoids being next to her unless they have a scene to shoot.

Jisoo seems to realize she’s out of line, because the moment Joohyun takes a little bit too long to reply she’s squirming in her seat, looking at her with utmost worry.

“God, I’m sorry.” She sighs. “I know it’s not my place to ask, but… you act weird around her. She does, too.”

“It’s complicated.” 

Jisoo hums, seems to understand. 

“A lot in our lives is. That’s okay. I won’t force you to tell me.”

And it dawns her in that moment, that perhaps, she was once again overthinking. Maybe Jisoo doesn’t have an ulterior motive, after all. Maybe, just maybe, she’s honest in building a _friendship_ with Joohyun. As strange as it sounds.

.

Coming back to her apartment without Sooyoung only serves as a reminder of how she’s fucked up yet another one of the few relationships she has managed to keep. 

Joohyun tries not to dwell on it – avoiding things _is_ her biggest quality anyway – so she does the best she can to pretend her apartment isn’t terrifyingly empty right now. She cleans up the place, revises the script she’s read a thousand times by now, and is only pulled back to reality when her phone buzzes incessantly above her kitchen countertop.

Without even bothering to check who it is, she answers it.

“Hello.” Though her words are quite simple, the tone isn’t as flat as she meant it to sound, so she adds, a little more carefully, “Who is it?”

“Hey, it’s me,” a familiar voice says, a bit taken aback by the harsh greeting. “Seulgi.”

“Seulgi, hi,” Joohyun echoes, already regretting not checking the ID caller before. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

Seems like a lie, because she’s in such a terrible mood, but hopefully it will pass by her without much effort.

“It’s alright. You weren’t answering my texts, so I thought I should call,” she explains. A beat, then, “Are you okay?”

Joohyun scoffs, massaging her left temple yet again.

“Not really.” 

Seulgi hums. “Are you alone?” 

“Yes,” she replies, a hint of humor lighting her words. “Why do you sound like a booty call? Stop it.” 

Seulgi laughs heartily, then drops one tone lower. “Well, what are you wearing?” 

“Shut up,” Joohyun mutters, pretending not to notice how her cheeks are burning with the simple teasing.

“Fine, just because you asked so nicely. I just wanted to make sure you’re home because…” There’s a hasty pause, some shuffling, and then Joohyun hears a knock on her door. “I might be at your doorstep.” 

Joohyun’s heart stammers a messy beat as she rushes to get to the door. When she opens it, there is Seulgi, smiling brightly as ever, with a… cactus.

It’s still tiny, and not as harmful as cactuses usually seem to be, but a cactus nevertheless.

“Hey, again,” Seulgi says.

“Hey,” the actress replies, leaning against the doorframe. Hesitantly, she extends a hand, as if to touch the plant, but it falls midway. Joohyun looks up at Seulgi, eyes already glassy. “What’s with the cactus?”

“You have to promise you won’t laugh.”

Seulgi seems adamant with her condition, so Joohyun nods, running both her thumb and index finger on her lips as if closing a zipper.

“My lips are sealed.”

“Okay, good,” Seulgi says. She takes a deep breath. “You told me the apartment was too empty, and that you’re not good at taking care of things. I’m sure that’s not true, by the way, but that’s not the point. It’s not like I think you’re lying or –” And then she’s rambling, eyes on the floor as she goes on talking with that adorable crinkle between her brows.

“Seulgi,” Joohyun calls out in the softest tone she can manage. Seulgi looks up with a sweet look of intrigue. “Focus.”

“Oh, right.” She shakes her head, giggling embarrassed. “Anyway, I brought this for you. Cactuses can survive in the most hostile desert climate, and can go for a long while without being watered, so…”

The warmth inside Joohyun’s chest only grows stronger. 

Seulgi shrugs, chest heaving as she finishes what she has to say, and she seems content with her explanation. “Also, it will bring some character to your new place.”

Joohyun looks at the tiny cactus, then at Seulgi, who has that dashing smile still _there._ But she’s not done yet. 

“Plus, it reminds me of someone.” 

Joohyun laughs. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Seulgi scrunches up her nose. “She has pokey pokeys, too.”

“What do you mean pokey – wait, do you mean thorns?”

“Yeah, that.” The blonde grins. “But she’s really nice through all that… prickliness. Very beautiful too, so… another thing in common.”

Joohyun rolls her eyes and laughs, albeit wetly, and rushes forward to take Seulgi in her arms. She doesn’t mind if there's a cactus between them, or that she’s grasping Seulgi a little bit too tightly. 

Her heart feels a little unstable, beating far too fast for a few minutes now, but all she can think of is how warm Seulgi’s embrace is.

.

“So what’s gotten you so gloomy?” Seulgi asks a while later, eating her ice cream greedily. Turns out, the cactus wasn’t exactly the only thing she brought to keep Joohyun company.

They’re now settled in Joohyun’s couch, a random movie playing because Seulgi _insisted_ they should do something together and have some of the ice cream she bought. Joohyun gets distracted more than she actually watches anything, but it’s nice. Seulgi’s company is nice.

“Nothing,” Joohyun lies easily. Seulgi doesn’t seem to buy it. She arches a defiant eyebrow, and Joohyun relents. “Fine. I had a fight with Sooyoung. Kinda overreacted.”

“Oh,” Seulgi echoes.

“Yeah. It was pretty bad.” 

“Everyone has bad days,” she offers, ever the supportive friend. It still amazes Joohyun how patient she is.

Joohyun snorts. “Well, yeah, I'm having a run of them.”

She doesn’t explain further, neither Seulgi insists. They fall into an even quieter atmosphere, but Seulgi’s presence helps. It always does.

As Seulgi scoots closer to Joohyun, she feels a light of _something_ inside of her shake and though she can’t quite identify what it is, she doesn’t push it away either.

Seulgi’s hand reaches hers, and squeezes. They stay like that a bit longer.

It’s always strange to realize how fast they’ve gotten to where they stand now, but then again, time has been working very strangely for Joohyun lately.

It’s hard to believe that just earlier that day she had a shooting session to a movie directed by Kwon Boa and then had a fight with her best friend, much less to believe that not even a month ago Seulgi was still that half-stranger who Joohyun yelled at all those years ago.

Midway through their movie session, Seulgi catches her stare, and she scrunches her mouth to one side adorably. “What is it?” 

It takes a minute for Joohyun to realize that they’re still very close to each other, that Seulgi is still holding her hand.

So she shakes her head, squeezes Seulgi’s fingers a little bit more. She draws in a breath, deeply, and then she feels it again – there, in the pit of her stomach, settles that tentative flicker of hope. Hope of better days to come, hope that she can be more than just her past.

Hope is foolish, she reminds herself. Hope leads to failure. And yes, maybe she’s too much of a fool to believe, but she can’t do anything but _hope,_ despite knowing the consequences.

She shakes her head, as if to push the thought away.

“Nothing. Just thinking.” 

“You do that a lot,” Seulgi jokes.

Joohyun thinks to tease back, but no words come out of her mouth. Instead, thoughts of Sooyoung and their argument from earlier come back to her mind, and she finds herself asking, before she can prevent herself from voicing her worries, “Do you think people actually change?”

The TV keeps playing the movie Seulgi chose earlier, it sounds nothing but background noise. The blonde hums, seems pensive for a few minutes, then says, “I think it depends.”

Joohyun tilts her head to the side. “On what?”

“Well, of what they did and who they hurt,” Seulgi explains. “If they try hard enough, maybe they can change. Some habits are hard to break, though.”

That Joohyun agrees. The fight she had with Sooyoung was proof.

“You know, we tend to lash out at easier targets when things are too bad. People we know will forgive us,” Seulgi offers. There’s sympathy in her eyes, and Joohyun finds out she can’t handle the weight of them right now.

“Why do you always do that?” she asks, moving a little on the couch to create more space between them. 

Seulgi frowns, confused and hesitant. “Do what?” 

“Try to make me believe that I can return from what I’ve become. You make forgiveness seem so… easy.” Her eyes narrow, doubtful.

Joohyun’s words seem to hit a sensitive spot, because for the next few minutes, there’s only silence. Seulgi stares at her, but doesn’t say anything, merely looks at Joohyun with genuine concern. 

It’s a strange sensation, to be the object worthy of concern and not the cause of it. For a long time, people didn’t look at her like this. Their concern was mostly for themselves – too scared she’d lash out at them, too. It’s so unusual that Joohyun can only stare back in silence, and wait, _expect._

“It isn’t,” Seulgi finally confesses, placing the empty mug that used to have ice cream inside on the center table. “Easy, I mean. It’s not. In fact, I don’t think there’s anything harder.” 

“Oh.” Joohyun’s stomach tightens and she sighs. She deflates against the armrest, closes her eyes for a moment.

“But it’s possible,” the blonde insists, seemingly not accepting Joohyun’s quiet defeat. “It’s complicated, painful, messy, stressful. But it’s also rewarding in the end.”

“And why are you so sure?”

“I was you for a very long time, you know that.” 

Bile rises up in Joohyun’s throat, and she doesn’t know if she’s upset or angry for the lie. That excuse might’ve worked in the beginning, when they were getting to know each other, but it won’t work now. Joohyun knows Seulgi, maybe not as much as she’d like, but still. There’s no way they have anything in common other than the fact that they both lost people they cared about.

“You’re nothing like me,” she hisses. 

But Seulgi just tilts her head to the side. Her eyes look a little sad, offer some sympathy. 

“Yeah, sure, we have a few differences. I, for one, didn’t yell at a complete stranger when I got dumped, no. It’s probably a good thing I wasn’t famous when I was younger, though. I wonder what kind of headline I’d get.” There’s humor in her voice, a hint of self-realization that Joohyun nearly misses, too engrossed in how her heart is hammering in her chest and how warm she feels. “But a lot in our stories match if you take a better look at it. I was alone for a long time, too. And that’s the worst that can happen to people like us. It makes us think too much, makes us fall right back into this hole of darkness. It makes us do things we’ll regret; things we might never come back from.”

It’s a great speech, Joohyun will give her that, but it doesn’t make it any easier for her to believe that she has anything in common with this ball of sunshine. 

“You?” She croaks out, still in disbelief. “What the hell did you do to need redemption?” 

Seulgi sighs, shakes her head like she’s only now coming to her senses to know who she’s talking to. 

“It’s not about what I did, Joohyun. It’s how we both had too much anger and we didn’t know what to do with it.” She reaches out, slowly, as if giving enough time for Joohyun to pull away, but when she doesn’t, Seulgi quickly laces the fingers of both of their hands together. “When I was angry, I hated myself the most. But you directed your anger to the outside world, you wanted people to feel what you feel.”

Joohyun thinks about that feeling from before, that one that envelops her like a hug, but not nearly as comforting. That, whatever it is, is not anger.

“I’m not angry. So you clearly don’t know me very well,” Joohyun replies, with a self-deprecating chuckle. 

Seulgi’s head tilts a bit. Her voice is the softest it’s been all night as she says, “That’s something I’ve been trying to change.” 

Joohyun’s mouth goes dry. That sweet, gentle smile still feels so foreign to her. She doesn’t remember a time where she was on the receiving end of such kind support before. It was never like that with Tiffany. She was all teeth and cheap thrills. She wanted attention, fame, and she went through extreme lengths to get it. 

So it’s probably unfair, what Joohyun’s doing. Sucking all that kindness to herself because Seulgi is offering, because she’s so desperately needy for support and the only person who’s willing to it to her has no idea the fuck up Joohyun truly is. 

She can’t be selfish, not with Seulgi. She’s trying to be _good,_ for god’s sake, but it’s getting harder and harder to resist that bright smile in a world so grim. Especially when you spent so long in the dark. So, yeah, she’ll chase the few flickers of light she finds on the way. 

But it hurts her to remember that the only reason this is happening is because Seulgi doesn’t know her. But Seulgi has seen her laugh; she’s seen her sad and tired and _hopeful._ So it makes her wonder, maybe in a lapse of conscience, how much more you need to know about a person before you can truly know them. Before you can trust them.

“You know,” Joohyun begins, smoothly untangling their fingers. She moves a bit more on the couch, pulling herself away from Seulgi. “If you want a headline, you’ll be happy to hear you’re getting quite a few.”

“Yeah?” Seulgi echoes. “What kind of headlines?”

“Just the usual stuff. Mostly how you’re keeping bad company.”

“Hmm, interesting. Not too different from my teenage years, so I guess dreams do come true,” she jokes, and Joohyun doesn’t resist the urge to laugh. 

Seulgi doesn’t move, though, only raises her hand to push away strands of hair that got entangled on Joohyun’s neck. Her hand rests at the back of said neck almost naturally, and Joohyun’s laugh dies down, chest heaving once she notices how close their faces are – close enough she can almost feel Seulgi’s breathing on her lips.

Joohyun is the first to pull back, already aware this isn’t going anywhere. She looks away quickly, focusing her eyes elsewhere just to try to prevent her thoughts from going haywire.

“Hey, I want to try something,” Seulgi swiftly changes the subject. 

Joohyun pretends her inner turmoil isn’t happening, and turns around with a smile she hopes to match Seulgi’s.

At some point, the blonde has gotten up from the couch and paused the movie, and now she’s back, with a _camera_ on her hand.

“You’ve been trying a lot of things,” Joohyun jokes, pointing at the cactus on her dinner table, at the camera on the younger woman’s hand, and reminding the almost kiss, if that’s what it was. She’ll find someplace else to put that cactus, she’s sure, but for now she’ll leave it there. Until she finds somewhere worthy.

“I’m all about trying new things,” Seulgi replies. 

Without saying anything else, she clicks somewhere on the polaroid camera and before Joohyun can think better to find out what’s going on, the picture is already being printed.

“Hey!”

“Relax, I was just testing. It’s just… a picture of the comfy atmosphere.” Seulgi gestures to the set of blankets on the couch, shaking the polaroid until the full picture is showing. And she’s right, as far as Joohyun can see, she’s not even in the frame. “I wanted to take some pictures so you can replace those old ones.” 

Warmth pours all over Joohyun’s chest.

“While I get everything ready, tell me, you’re still up for tomorrow right?”

Joohyun nods, still watching as Seulgi adjusts the camera for more shots.

“It’s close to your old apartment, at least. The gallery, I mean,” Seulgi goes on, seemingly too lost in her own world to actually pay attention to anything else. “Wait, is it weird that I know where you used to live? I swear I wasn’t stalking you or anything, I just know because Yoona told me once but I’m not sure –”

And then she’s rambling. Again.

Joohyun chuckles. “Seulgi, breathe.”

Seulgi takes in a breath, an embarrassed smile gracing her lips. “Right. My point is… we could just walk there. If that’s okay with you.”

“Oh,” Joohyun manages, frowning. 

“I just thought –” the blonde stutters. 

“No, no, it’s okay.” She reaches forward, unconsciously wrapping one of Seulgi’s hands with her own. It works – Seulgi stops, attentively looking at Joohyun. “Completely okay.”

“Okay, good,” Seulgi breathes out. Her hand is still holding Joohyun’s and she’s sure the camera is already set, but Seulgi doesn’t let go. “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Joohyun offers, a bit weakly. But it seems enough for Seulgi to drop the subject and raise the camera to her eye until she’s squinting both of them to get a better look at the frame. 

“Smile for me?” Her voice sounds from behind the polaroid camera, and so Joohyun does. 

The flash blinds her for a few split seconds before she can see anything again. She’s sure the picture is not all that great – her hair is a mess, she’s wearing regular outfits and there’s no make-up in her face – but when Seulgi stares at it, she has a smile of her own on her face.

“Beautiful,” she whispers. It’s nothing but a sympathy compliment, but it still catches Joohyun off guard. 

Things are changing, Joohyun reasons. Maybe she’s still a fuck up, maybe she’s still scattered, but oh how she fucking hopes that things will be different now. She’s got this movie, she has people who care about her on her side – even Sooyoung, who might or might not forgive Joohyun for being an ass. And glancing at the photographer by her side, who still smiles brightly as she stares at the recently taken picture, maybe she has something else too.

And sure, there’s still so much she has to talk about with Seulgi. She wants to know more about her, wants to know about her past, but right now, watching her with so much care in her eyes, Joohyun decides maybe that can wait. 

.

Joohyun calls Sooyoung later that night, after Seulgi goes home and she’s left with way too many polaroids and that tiny little cactus staring back at her like it _knows_ something. It shouldn’t be surprising that Seulgi helped Joohyun set her pride aside and encouraged her to give Sooyoung a call, and that’s what she’s doing.

The feeling from earlier is back, that annoying sensation she can’t shake away, but she forces it aside if only for a moment.

“Did you just call to say how much of an idiot I am?” Sooyoung’s voice is abrasive, and Joohyun struggles not to wince. Yeah, she deserves that.

“No. I’m the idiot.”

A pause, then Sooyoung sighs. “Finally something we can agree on.” 

“I’m sorry. I mean it. It was really unfair. Can we talk?”

Sooyoung doesn’t answer, and Joohyun takes the silence as a _yes._

“I’m a fuck up, you know that. And I know it’s not an excuse, and I shouldn’t have said you were a coward when I know why you don’t make a move. It wasn’t fair.”

The line remains quiet, and Joohyun leans against the wall as she clings tightly onto the phone in her ear. 

“It really wasn’t.”

“Oh,” Joohyun breathes out, relieved Sooyoung didn’t hang up yet. “I’m sorry. Can we talk? Like actually talk?”

They don’t have to meet until a few days. The filming crew is taking a break to figure out some things, and technically, the only reason they should meet apart from personal affairs is only when shooting returns. But she doesn’t point out, neither does Sooyoung, so Joohyun assumes it’s something.

“Okay,” Sooyoung says, and it isn’t forgiveness but it isn’t rejection, either. “Okay.”

.

At 7pm the next day, there’s a knock on Joohyun’s door. 

She’s not exactly surprised; Seulgi did say she was punctual and the doorman had called to announce she had a visitor, but Joohyun can’t help the intake of breath as she opens the door and sees Seulgi standing up on the other side looking as beautiful as ever, leaning against the door frame.

She’s dressed casually, but not too much. Her hair is loose over her shoulders, blonde locks falling in waves above her leather jacket. The crop top beneath contours neatly to her body, teases the dip of her belly button and insinuates the hips holding a pair of black jeans pants.

“You look great,” Seulgi says, softly. 

“You too,” she replies, as honest as she can muster, holding out an arm. “Shall we?”

Seulgi takes it without a word, but with a close mouthed smile.

They exit the building with their arms linked while Seulgi asks about her day like this isn’t a _job,_ and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it is. So Joohyun is happy to indulge her.

They small talk on the way, their arms still entangled like they’re actually together.

See, Joohyun could just pull her arm back. Hope has never gotten her anywhere, she reminds herself. She could draw a clear line between them, make things strictly professional so lines won’t get blurrier than they already are. 

She has a feeling she’ll regret this, but she pulls herself closer to Seulgi and enjoys the warmth as they step outside in the cool night air. 

.

The first thing Joohyun notices is that there are too many people inside the gallery. Far too much more than what she was expecting, but this is good. It’s great, actually. The whole point of this whole thing is to get some publicity.

She tries to keep it low, just walks beside Seulgi with her head high, but not too high – just enough to pass by as ordinary, but Seulgi doesn’t let go. She pulls Joohyun with her between the many people in the gallery, holds her by the elbow so gently Joohyun feels like Seulgi thinks she might break if pulled in with a little more force, and eventually she starts to walk slower.

They pass by the paintings on display, carefully analyze each of them and even talk about it from time to time, but never go too deep. And then, Seulgi’s steps come to a halt.

They are in front of a painting neatly put on one of the white panels – a picture of a woman, probably in her fifties, sitting on a stool while she smiles at nothing in particular. But she looks so sad, so… alone in the sunlight, her hair glittering a deep shade of gray, skin glowing radiantly. It’s simple, but it’s a raw, genuine portrait, and Joohyun feels captivated. 

By the looks of it, Seulgi does too.

“It’s beautiful,” Joohyun mutters, and Seulgi leisurely nods, as if cautious of her actions. 

“Mino is very talented,” it’s all she answers.

Not for the first time, Joohyun notices there’s something odd about Seulgi that night. She’s still the same, still beautiful and gentle and caring, but her eyes are dim, her smile forced. Just like that game night a couple weeks before.

Joohyun doesn’t pry, it’s not her place to.

“I can tell,” she says instead. Her gaze moves away from the painting and lands on Seulgi. “I never got to tell you how much I admire your profession. The way you can capture something so meaningful with just a click of a camera and portray that same feeling. I know photography and painting aren’t the same, but still…” 

This seems to catch Seulgi’s attention and she whips her head so slowly Joohyun almost feels like it’s intentional torture. “It’s all about the effort.”

“Is that why you like it so much? So you can…” Joohyun stops, unsure of how to continue, but Seulgi seems to take the drift.

“Take those feelings and save them, somehow?” she offers, and then shrugs, not seeming certain of her answer. “I’ve always liked taking pictures. When I do, when I take photos, I mean… I can focus on other people’s problems instead of mine, even if it's only briefly.”

It’s an interesting way of viewing things, Joohyun admits.

“Will you ever show me some of your pictures?”

Seulgi chuckles. “Maybe someday.”

.

It’s only an hour into the exhibition when Seulgi takes her to another side of the gallery, like she knows where they’re going. Joohyun has a feeling that she does, and that Seulgi was there before, but still decided to take her there. The thought makes her feel a little lighter.

There’s a brown-striped white fish in one of the frames, with dull black eyes. It’s a spotfin lionfish, it says near the painting, and its soulless eyes are the reason Joohyun can’t take her eyes away from it. 

“People often think most fish are solitary,” Seulgi comments at some point, just as Joohyun is debating whether or not to turn away. “But lionfishes are one of the most solitary of them all.”

Joohyun frowns, glances at Seulgi with careful interest as she listens carefully to what she has to say.

“It happens because their dorsal fin is poisonous. They can’t help it, they’ll attack whoever comes too close, even if it’s their own kind.” 

“Sounds like a terrible way to live, always alone,” Joohyun agrees, the crinkle between her brows only growing deeper. “Do you know why they do that?”

“Hmm, I’m not sure. I don’t remember reading about it,” Seulgi says, head tilting to the side as she watches the painting. “Maybe they wanted to be left alone, or maybe their venom just forced them to get used to it.” 

Seulgi’s still staring sightlessly at the lionfish, and Joohyun doesn’t interrupt her concentration.

“Isn’t it awful? How sad it must be for them, to not have anyone.” Seulgi breathes out, not daring to tear her gaze away. 

Joohyun hums in acknowledgment, leaning closer to Seulgi instinctively.

It amazes Joohyun still, how caring Seulgi can be. How she always feels so deeply, even for other creatures. And then it hits her again, that feeling that’s been following her. 

Silence engulfs them again, and when she stares back at Seulgi, Joohyun finally gets it. She finally understands what it wants to tell her: she’s helpless to it all. Friendships, relationships… they’re not for someone like her. 

God, she’s so fucking lonely.

“Do you want to go now?” Seulgi smiles gently, and reaches out to tuck Joohyun’s hair behind her ear affectionately, but pulls her hand back only a few seconds later, like she’s only noticing what that gesture means.

“Why?”

“You seem sad, that’s all.”

Joohyun bites her bottom lip and sighs. “I’m just thinking.”

“About?” Seulgi muses, tilting her head as if in thought but Joohyun can tell by the slight waver in her tone that it’s more than that. Like she knows what Joohyun is thinking – she does look at her sometimes like she can read minds, so Joohyun wouldn’t be surprised if she did. 

So she decides to indulge her.

“The lionfish, that woman. They both seemed so lonely.”

Seulgi nods, her shoulders dropping as if she _knows._ “Yeah, they did.” A loaded pause, a soft sigh, then, “Do you feel like that too?”

Joohyun shrugs, tries to act casual when she says, “Sometimes.”

Seulgi’s gaze changes, it turns sad, sympathetic. There's a silent _me too_ in the air. And when Seulgi’s hand reaches out to hers, it’s warm and soft.

It’s strange, but not in a bad way. Almost like… empathy.

They stay quiet for a while, Joohyun’s thumb brushing over Seulgi’s knuckles on the table. She wonders if she should acknowledge it out loud rather than silently, talk it out, but it’s not her place, not really, so Joohyun does the best she can. In that moment, the best she can do is caress the back of Seulgi’s hand.

The moment is broken a couple of minutes later when Joohyun’s phone rings. A text from Sooyoung that only reads **they’re waiting for you. you better put on a show.**

“They’re outside,” Joohyun says and just like that, Seulgi pulls her hand away. 

She stands up and takes in a breath. She seems nervous, but confident.

And then she offers out her hand once again. “Let’s do this.”

.

It’s Seulgi who steps out first.

Soon after they’re on the sidewalk, they both can feel all eyes on them. There are a few paparazzi there, only about 5 or so, and flashes of white are quick to shine against their faces. 

They slowly close in on them, but Joohyun walks ahead and grasps Seulgi’s hand, taking a protective position as she basically acts like a shield, but doesn’t dare to cover her face. They need to see who she’s with, after all, so she lamely pretends she’s making an effort. 

Eventually, and she’s not sure when or how, they end up walking in a similar stride, side by side. At some point, Seulgi gives her a shy smile, locks eyes with her and they’re so… bright, even in the night light, that Joohyun can’t help but breathe deeply, trying to steady herself. 

She’s pulled back to reality when one of the paparazzi stands too close, invading their personal space and reminding her of what this is.

_An act._

A few more strides, a few more flashes, and then they stop at an empty corner.

Joohyun doesn’t comment about the look on Seulgi’s face, doesn’t ask, but once they’re hidden enough, Joohyun makes sure to hold tightly onto Seulgi’s waist and snuggles against her side, hoping the paparazzi take this shot too.

**.**

They arrive at Joohyun’s apartment about fifteen minutes later. Seulgi doesn’t make a move to go upstairs, neither does she say anything, but merely stays there, as if hoping to talk, her hands inside the pockets of her jacket.

Joohyun loses her balance in a moment of distraction. That flicker of _hope_ returns. 

“Seulgi?” Joohyun asks, suddenly remembering something, and looks over to the side, brown eyes in awe as she watches the mood drop in the blonde’s expression – from her tense jaw to her bland expression. “You were sad, too.”

Seulgi looks over at her, expression so unreadable Joohyun wonders how is that the same Seulgi at all. She doesn’t ask when, or makes a big deal out of it. 

But something changes. Seulgi breaks eye contact first, looks away quickly as if caught doing something she shouldn’t. All she gets is silence.

Seulgi stares at her, and her eyes are not stunned in the slightest. There's something heavy that flashes behind those thick eyelashes, but something soft too, something Joohyun suspects might be directed at her.

“Everyone has bad days,” she murmurs, repeats the words she's said to Joohyun the night before and the actress feels her heart wrenching in silent acknowledgement.

“Seulgi...” she starts, but stops midway, unsure how to comfort the person who's comforted her time and time again. 

And finally, after what feels like a long time, Seulgi smiles, though it doesn’t reach her eyes, shakes her head as if dismissing the question. She steps in closer, like she always does when they’re parting ways, and leaves a lingering kiss on top of Joohyun’s head. A little bit longer than it should, and so Joohyun greedily sucks in the affection. A fucking parasite.

“Good night, Joohyun.” 

Seulgi doesn’t sound mad, or upset, but her tone is final and surprisingly soft.

And in that moment, something tells Joohyun that Kang Seulgi is so much more than what she bargained for. And that maybe, just maybe, Seulgi knows a bit more than just a thing or two about loneliness.

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> also, feel free to follow me on twitter!! my @ is @tinyrene


End file.
